The Hassles of Hoff: Horror at High Tide pt2

     It took a while but its done!, the first full battle report of my new setting is here! (see here, here and here for details). It feels that everything is starting to get some meat on its bones with places in....er.....well, place and an overall feel starting to settle, hopefully the following will add a little to it. Work is taking a lot of my attention at the mo as i am undergoing some rather drastic training as i am changing my career path quite dramatically at the mo so i have not been able to get all my ideas down on this lill' blog o' mine, i had hoped to be elbow deep in campaign games but im still setting the scene somewhat, hopefully one more post to that effect will allow things to kick off all proper like!. However, for now its the on going 'side project' for the new setting which i hope to use to give a more 'personal' view from the ground in Albilande circa 1354 rather than the grander political scale of the war of 4 kings to come. Anyhow im gabbling so without further ado, i give you:

Episode 1 (pt2): horror at high tide!

(you can read part 1 here)

  As the dark shapes moved quietly through the ebbing waves at the edge of the shore Sgt Hoff raised his right hand, a sign his men understood to mean 'hold ground'. Hoff got those old familiar butterflies in his gut as he observed the enemies advance, knowing the carnage that was to come. He allowed the raiders to keep coming, he lent forward in his saddle, his arm held, his men standing in silence, still he let them come on, further up.... further.... soon the time would be at hand, only a matter of moments. The tension was palpable, the air hung with nerves and adrenaline, weighing down on the fighting cocks, still he let them come.....and come, soon it would be too late, soon i... **AATCCCHHHHOOOO!!!!**. The raiders froze, confusion etched across their weather beaten faces. Hoff dropped his hand and spun in his saddle. 'Right who was that?' he demanded, he spun back to the raiders who were looking forward into the gloom trying to see who or what had spoken. 'Sorry, do you mind if we have a brief moment?', he spun back around to face his men. 'I want to know right now who sneezed, step forward that man!'. The famous fearless fighting cocks stared at their collective boots and mumbled. 'Come on' barked Hoff  'I want to know who it was, we are not starting this battle until the culprit owns up!'.

There was some shoving and muttering in the archers ranks until a small slight man of advancing years was shoved forward 'it were me sarge' he mumbled looking down like a scolded child, 'i got sand up in me 'ooter an' i coulden' 'old it no more'. Hoff stared right through him for a moment that must of felt like hours to the recipient. 'Look, stoaty Dave is it?, im not angry Dave, its just we had a clear plan and now the element of surprise is gone. It was going to be so dramatic, so, i don't know.....heroic, oh and you may as well light the torches i think the moment has passed on that one don't you?', One by one in dribs and drabs flames began to appear in the fighting cocks line,almost appologeticaly  illuminating the beach and the two sides on it. 

(Sgt Hoff on Trevor between the spear units)

(Ginger leading the bows)

The confusion on the faces of the raiders turned to anger as they took in the scene before them. In place of an empty beach and an easy, sleepy town to plunder they were faced with a line of armed men!.

('Big' Bear Maloy leading the horse known as 'The rampant Cocks!')

 A brute of a man from within their ranks stepped forward, his beard speckled grey, his armor inlaid with gold and gems. he lifted a wicked and ornate battle axe and yelled 'Ranks ya bastards, get in ya bloody ranks, these clowns are goonie whish theys nevva stood before the likesa us!'. Quickly his men formed up into three warbands of neatly ranked lines. with a clunk of wood on wood they locked shields.

 'Oh yes' replied Hoff with a shout, 'very impressive, of course you are outnumbered, you have no horse and you have your backs to the sea. May i suggest you use your boats to kindly, if you don't mind of course, piss off and leave the good people of  Sandycrece alone'. The leader of the raiders stepped forward and hollered a reply, 'we maybe oot numbered an' we may have nay horse but we doo have thus' as soon as he finished Hoff could see something moving at the back of the enemy line, something big.....no wait, massive....and shiny....and wet. It was moving, being dragged up the beach by rope lines it seemed to struggle against. At least ten, no twelve thick set northmen were struggling to get the...er.....thing, what was it?, it looked like a....no wait it was...A GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB!!!!. 

(Pound shop special for Sgt Hoff!!)

The leader of the raiders stepped forward again. 'Noo theres one more thing ta say'. 'Whats that my good man? ' Replied Hoff. The big raider lifted his axe and smiled. 'CHARGE!!!'.

 The line of Northmen followed the order and ran screaming up the beach, somehow keeping formation as they came. The Fighting Cocks archers let fly at Gingers command but still they came on!.

Bear trotted forward for a better view of the line, he struggled to hold back a smile when he saw the raiders colours. 'White an' bloo, Clan bloody Mallarch, those bastards gonna get whats commin at last!' he said to himself. He flung his arm back towards the Rampant Cocks, 'Hold now bhoys, wait for tha word an we'll mince these arseholes!'.

As one the raiders came to an abrupt halt before the Cocks line. Their leader stepped forward and spat on the sand at his feet. He looked Sgt Hoff in the eye and shouted 'SEE YOUZ YA SOUTHERN PANSY, WHY NOT COME DOON HERE AN' SEE IF YOUZ IS UP TA FACIN ME MAN TA MAN, OR ARE YA SHITTIN IT BACK THERE BEHIND YA GIRLY FRIENDS?'. Sgt hoff lowered his visor. 'Well im not having that, hes gone and got my dander right up and no mistake!, come Trevor, lets teach this scallywag some blimming manors!'. With that Hoff charged!.

And despite suffering a glancing blow cleaved a bloody streak into the big norsemans gut!. The raider fell on the sand, now crimson from his blood. He looked up at Hoff one last time and grinned, he then slumped motionless on the beach. Elated from his victory Hoff looked at the enemy line. They seemed quite a bit closer than they were a moment ago!

 'Cripes and Lummie!!!!'

 Wasting no time he raised his axe and swept his arm forwards, the sign for the Fighting Cocks to....

CHARGE!!!!!!!

The charge was devastating, the norsemen were thrown back in disorder by the rampant cocks and the warband on the left routed in the face of the charge.

'Right thats us away eh?'

The warriors facing the GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB however took heavy losses and beat a tactical retreat!.

While he was turned in his saddle directing the mele strong hands grabbed Hoff around the waist and dragged him from Trevor!, Hoff hit out wildly at his attacker drawing blood. He turned to see the raiders banner bearers blade strike him in the head!, shocked and surprised Hoff fell back onto his rump, his final thought being 'here we go again!' as the raider ran him through!.

The end of a hero!!.

The raider raised the banner with a cheer, however his joy was short lived as a peed off Trevor turned his back on him and delivered a swift kick!, the banner fell to the sand along with its bearer as a smug Trevor trotted off!.

 Seeing the GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB massacre the warriors Bear drew his sword. 'Right ya over grown bottom feedin bastard yous gonna be feedin a whole lotta cocks the night!!, Get the butter lads its crab for breakfast!'. With that he charged headlong at the beast!.

 Meanwhile, Ginger had seen his Sargent fall!. With tears filling his eyes and rage in his heart he pounded down from the dunes to defend his body.

Over on the other side of the battle bear was getting the best of the GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB which decided to scuttle off in the direction of the shoreline. Bear grabbed at a rent in his side the Crab had torn in him with one of its wicked pincers and waved a hand at the rampant cocks. 'Go on lads, take the big wanker doon!!'. As one man the horse charged towards the crab as it scuttled away from the torch light!.

'ere Steve is thousand island sauce really just ketchup and mayo?'

 As the battle turned both Bear and Ginger charged into the mele between the warriors and the last surviving warband, sending the final northmen running back down the beach!.

And with that the battle was over. The surviving cocks removed their helmets and sunk into the sand to try to gather themselves together. With a whoop the Rampants rode back to the line dragging a very dead GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB behind them. Most of the men were laughing and joking, relief evident in their tone, all but the youngest of their number who walked slowly up the beach to where the body of Sgt Hoff was sprawled. Ginger gently lifted his lifeless head and removed his helm, he stroked his cold sweat soaked hair with tenderness fighting back tears. Bear came up along side him, placed his gigantic hand on the young squires shoulder. There they remained in silence while around them one by one the rest of the Fighting Cocks slowly gathered in the waning torch light to pay their respects to their fallen leader.  

 Well thats that project knackered then!!.

......'till next time!........