How not to organize national defence....a guide.

2 posts in one day, you unlucky, unlucky people!.

But as is tradition, first:

Sometimes you just have to stick to the classics.

So further to the post i did earlier today, and the few last week this is also to set up my upcoming (yet revisited) campaign:

 Before i play the first battle it occurred to me that the ideas i had when building the forces for this landthatlivesinsidemyhead should be shared in order to give you some clue as to what i was on about. So without further ado here is a brief guide into the make up of a typical Olde Albilande army.

A typical (if large) Crivenshire force.

 First an overview. A typical shire army is made up of mostly 'volunteer' troops banded together into companies funded and organised by the upper crust of that shire. In Crivenshire this is the lower nobility, engaged in a kind of 'my company is bigger than yours' battle, they often take the name of the bloke bankrolling them to further 'massage' his ego. In Tuttinghammeshire its often the local business community that build the shires defense forces, the shire being made up of four smaller shires (Tuttinghammeshire, Wazzockshire, Divertonshire and Lumoxshire) the name of that shire always features large on the banner. In Berkshire its local business again doing the funding but most often using them as a promotional tool (for example 'The 2nd 'makeyougo' laxative company irregulars). Ruckinghammeshire is slightly different as the 'firms' that control different areas of the shire also control the troops, they will bear the firms name and be representing them rather than the shire (e.g. the 5th Cripplem Firm legbreaker boys). These troops are often referred to as Irregulars due to their semi-professional status and differing levels of training, also because the the standing army are known as regulars, so the name irregular would follow. On the field most Irregulars form up as pike and shot troops, being the current military fashion, where they do try bless 'em.

Richer (or flasher) backers insist on fielding cavalry. The current fashion for which being mixed groups of pistol armed horsemen supporting close order lancers. The two working together to attack with close range shots to soften up the enemy before the lancers hit home. It is also quite common for a not quite so rich backer to create light cavalry groups, fighting in loose formation and using their pistols and carbines to harass the enemy before riding to safety. Some backers will even set up artillery teams, training them way outside town boarders ready to bring long ranged death to the enemy of the shire.

   Alongside the Irregulars a small standing army of trained troops are always maintained by the royal family. These troops, known as regulars are proper pro soldiers, highly drilled and with nerves of steel. The various regular companies are revered by the locals, their reputation going before them. They are posted in barracks all around the shires to represent a reminder of the power of the king before the local lords. In battle the irregulars are bolstered by the presence of these tough, grim faced killers. In peace times they form a peacekeeping force and a back up to the local law enforcement types loyal to the king in each shire. Since the unfortunate events at Crivens castle the Regulars in each shire have found that the command structure from which they are organized no longer exists, meaning the regulars from each shire, being raised from local men have joined up with the local powers that be to fight for their cause in the coming war. In battle the regulars either fight on foot in well drilled pike and shot formations or as tightly ordered mounted lancer brigades, used as shock troops to smash the enemy lines.

  Speaking of lancers it is common for the shires nobles and well to do types to have their sons and nephews trained as lancers. These dashing 'ego on a horse' types place their faith in a sharp sword, a well polished lance and fine facial hair to win the day (and the hearts of as many lower born girls as they can get away with bedding before a scandal is caused). On the field they are employed as line breakers and shock types, charging into a hail of enemy lead with  lances dipped and a devil may care attitude!.

  Ever since the times before its settlement and subsequent civilizing the land of Olde Albilande has been home to a race of giants. Most of these huge but slow witted creatures were hunted down and killed by the early settlers but some survived, mostly in the most far flung and inhospitable areas. As the shires grew and the need for beasts of burden grew the giants were lured back to dwell with humans and to fill the roll in many building and agricultural projects. Now giants are common, working on farms and in towns, although they are not allowed the same rights as normal humans. They are also valued in the less savory industries as hired muscle and 'bodyguards'. The shires often field small groups of giants as line breakers and tank busters, their great strength, natural good humour and capacity for alcohol consumption  making them surprisingly good soldiers. 

   In recent years warfare has been revolutionized by the invention of the tracked arsehole neutralization kontraption (T.A.N.K for short), which have been mass produced by the Pike company of weaponsmiths. The new tech utilizes the new fangled steam engine designed by the (some would say mad) genius Leonard Dubruinvinchi and has been said to be the future of warfare. The Pike company's patented line has been rolled out across the shires and although largely untested have proved popular. One small issue has been in the make up and training of crew forcing some large scale changes to the t.a.n.k.s design. A crew originally comprised of a number of Drivers, gunners, loaders, stokers and general mechanical types as required for the machines size and roll. However after the formation of the tank crews union the crew have grown to include a union rep, health and safety staff, fire safety officers, first aid teams , H. R. departments and at least one fully functioning staff canteen. Now all shires field a small number of these land ships within their forces. At present the designs available are:

The Fossridge Ferret

  A small scale tank used for small scale actions. Operating in teams to hunt enemy horse and worry infantry formations.

The Stifferiton Stoat

  Another small tank but slower and heavier than the ferret. Used to hunt harder targets and support infantry the Stoat is often used to soften up the enemy before the lines clash.

The mk2 Wollabridge Whippet

  The whippet is a large t.a.n.k. used for transportation of troops and close support. Its large engine helps it traverse any battlefield at a fair old lick and its large capacity allows even large troop formations to be rapidly redeployed.

Stoats and Whippets support the Crivenshire irregular horse.

The Huthforde Heifer

 The big boy of the range the Heifer is designed for firepower and stickability. It is far from the quickest but its thick armour and huge arsenal of weapons make it ideal for armour busting and troop support roles.

A pair of Tuttinghammeshire Heifers

 Air Support is the most recent and fashionable aspect of warfare in Olde Albilande after  Dubruinvinchi perfected his design for the 'air ship', consisting of a massive armoured balloon filled with rather volatile gas driven by an over sized version of his steam engine. These machines are capable of transporting troops around the field as well as filling the role of mobile firing platform when required.

A tuttinghammeshire air ship attacks a Crivenshire mobile force.

  These are the forces fielded by most of the shires. There is some deviation in Ruckinghammeshire and total deviation in Lamavic but there we go. Each shire also contains some troops unique to them which will be explored at a later date (when this 'writer' can be arsed). Hopefully now when i start banging on about whippet deposited irregulars with mobile stoat support it will make a little bit of sense!. Now, on to the battle!.......

.........'till next time.....

Rules of campaign

Thats right, i am almost at that 'go' stage for a new campaign (yay). But before i go into all that....

Quick riddle: What am I?, I am both crunchy and Bouncy and am best enjoyed in roughly half hour bursts?'

......No?.....



....want the answer?.........It'll be this lot:

  Right, to the piffle!.

Below are the rules i intend to follow (and then later replace once i actually try them) when doing the 'grandscalebitsbetweenbattles' in my next campaign:

I have almost totally nicked the ideas for the campaign from the rather clever Peter and his ECW campaign hes playing over on his very, very, very good blog. The Campaign will be map based. I have cobbled together a map, here after referred to as ye mappe of the warring crap hole known as Olde Albilande:

 A craphole....at war!.

The four shires (and Lamavic) will be the protagonists for the bloodshed to come, each shire is marked on the map with boarders in its own colour :

Crivenshire in blue.

Tuttinghammeshire in Black (their normal grey just wont show up well enough).

Berkshire in green.

Tuttinghammeshire in red.

Lamavic in yellow.

The main boarders between the shires are defined by double broken lines. Each shire is split into regions as shown by the single broken lines. In the campaign the war will be fought to gain regions from the opposing side. The two main opposing sides will be Crivenshire and Tuttinghammeshire, they are the biggest shires which each have 6 regions. Ruckinghammeshire, Berkshire and Lamavic are considered to be minor shires which may or may not join the war and will ally with one of the main shires when (if) they do so. This will allow me an easier ride when trying to actually run the thing!.

 The war will be fought over 5 years, each year is split over 6 game turns. The campaign will end when either one of the main shires have no regions left or when the 5 years is up, in which case the main shire (and allies) with the most regions will be considered to be the victor.

The game turn:

  A single turn will work as follows:

1: Tuttinghammeshire (as they are said to have started the war by attacking first) roll 1d10, on a score of 4+ they will attack an enemy shire. To do this they will pick 1 enemy shire adjacent to one of their own. A battle will then be fought over the region. If Tuttinghammeshire win the battle control of the region switches to them, if they loose the region stays under enemy control.

2: Crivenshire roll 1d10, on a score of 4+ they will attack an enemy shire. To do this they will pick 1 enemy shire adjacent to one of their own. A battle will then be fought over the region. If Crivenshire win the battle control of the region switches to them, if they loose the region stays under enemy control.

3: The steps detailed in 1 & 2 are repeated by any minor shires that have entered the war. They will do this in the order in which they joined.

4: Any minor shires yet to join the war roll 1d10. On a roll of 8+ they will join the war, this roll is modified by +1 for any battle fought over a region on their boarder that turn. If a shire joins in this way roll 1d10, on a roll of 1-5 They will join Tuttinghammeshires forces, on a 6-10 they will join Crivenshire. This roll is modified by -1 for each Tuttinghammeshire held region on their boarder, and by +1 for each Crivenshire held region on their boarder. Only one Minor shire will join on a single turn, once one joins that's it until step 4 next turn. 

Minor Shires

   The minor shires of Ruckinghammeshire, Berkshire and Lamavic each have 3 regions that behave in the same way as those of the main shires. Also once the shire has joined a side their armies will be mixed as they re-enforce each other and fight together. This means you can field troops from any allied shire in the same force when fighting a battle (which will allow for some truly epic battles as things heat up!). Once a minor shire has lost all of its 3 starting regions to the enemy roll 1d10. On the roll of 5+ they become vassal troops to the enemy and will now fight along side them!. In such a case they will suffer a morale penalty on the table!. Otherwise they are out of the campaign! (i may try to come up with a way they can become some kind of resistance fighters or something).

A lovely boat trip

   If a shire wishes it can attack any enemy held coastal region that is no more than 4 regions away from one of its own coastal region along the coast by sending a war fleet their way!. It will do this rather than attacking an adjacent region.

Heres Ye Mappe at the start of the war with the main shires regions occupied:

The minor shires regions will become active only when they join and cant be attacked until they are active.

Battles

   Ah the real reason for doing all this!. Battles will be fought using my hybrid (and still a work in progress) 2mm rules which have been roughly based on these rules. Before a battle is fought both sides will draw up their orders of battle (more details later) and draw a random OFFS* card, once drawn the card is applied in the appropriate way and discarded once the battle is over. The card idea is again borrowed From Peter, his for his ecw campaign are very probably more historically accurate than mine, but i thought i could use the idea to provide another way to flesh out the narrative of the setting and the battle in a quick easy fashion. Some of the OFFS cards will have a large impact, hampering one side or the other but as i am playing solo (and in no way seriously!) it should be ok. Heres the fancy and very posh notatallthrowntogetherbyadichhead OFFS cards:

Also mixed in the deck are some small mercenary and allied forces you may field once the card has been drawn, in which case they will fight for the drawing force for the rest of the campaign (until they don't!). Again they are there to add character to the setting:

Here be a wee teaser!.

 And finally heres ye mappe at the start of year 1 turn 1, with Tuttinghammeshire attacking Crivenshire to get things started!:

The arrow indicates direction of attack.

Next stop the battle of Phlemm Valley!............

........'till next time........

*Oh for fu*k sake.

Nowt but hot air

Just a quick update as i have been prepping towards the upcoming campaign, but first:

Another band that deserve far more attention than they get, give the awesome 'Dirt' a go if you want something a little heavier.

Right, update...yes...update, thats what i was up to. Right first off i have received delivery of some very cool new toys, some i have been itching to get hold of ever since i first decided to return to this project. As soon as i got my grubby hands on them i rushed to get them prepped and painted:

AIRSHIPS!!!!!!

 These are from the dystopian wars range, i found them on ebay so not too sure about manufacturer etc. They are rather nice though, and fun to paint. These should be all i need for the forces i am building, but you know how it is, i'm bound to be getting more at some point!. Here's some more pics:

Another shot of the 'fleet', it kind of makes me want to do a racing game with them.

As far as in the game i want them to be shooty yet a bit fragile,  i also want them to be able to ferry troops around the battle field, making pike blocks more mobile.

Crivenshire Troops are dropped into action to storm the rear of a Tuttinghammeshire fire base!,

Vessels from Ruckinghammeshire and Berkshire attempt to capture the vile Sky Pirate captain Devon 'alf plank' Diverton and his scurvy crew.

 One thing to note should you pick up any of these is the bases supplied are not the best fit, you need to use a knife to bore out the stand to take the rod bit. I found this out the hard way by snapping a base on the first attempt.

Air Lamavic and improvised base.

Tuttinghammeshire 'death from above' brigade prepare to ambush a Crivenshire force.

  The other thing i have been all up to is finishing the third shire for the campaign:

 Enter Ruckinghammeshire, 'Ere, wot tha fahuk you fink your gawpin at??!!!'. (nice chaps!).

One of the nice things about 2mm is the fact that the whole force was finished in 2 days (one to prep, base and undercoat and one to paint and finish).

  I have also been thinking up a load more bits and bobs to make the campaign even better, one of which is to create several mercenary forces to join up with (and turn on) the main forces, should be a fun way to add more colour and flavour to the setting.

Oh and i missed Radio Wronghammer last time out (i know, i know) so here's some Tim Minchin by way of apology!

I wont let it happen again, i promise.......

....'till next time......

New background, but old, but also new...sort of....

   As i may have mentioned in my last few posts i am redoing my aborted 'not the 30 years war' steampunk pike and shot campaign from last year: 

So i thought it would be good to collect some of the background material i bodged together from various finds from the period to kind of relaunch the whole thing. So this post is basically an introduction to the land of Olde Albilande and a very basic overview of the situation as it stands at the point we join the war. Each of these pieces of (not really) history has been taken from the source material of the time, the original source has been validated by various non-historical authorities as genuine. Other included pieces are taken directly from works produced about the period by mock historians, experts in this field.

The first piece is taken from th Olde Albilande tourist board leaflet: 'How to best avoid a stabbing or other forms of painful death in Albilande', first produced in 1643. This surviving copy donated kindly by Geoff Cribbadge, son of the noted mock-historian sir Norman Cribbadge jnr.

             YE OLDE ALBILANDE; A VISITORS GUIDE             

  A warm welcome traveler to the wonders of Olde Albilande, where dreams really do come true*.
be it the beautiful landscape

or are friendly locals

or the local cuisine

 The purpose of this leaflet is to help familiarize you, the visitor with the places to visit and activities available to you during your stay across the highways and of course byways of this (not very) green and sometimes even pleasant land.

  First some history. Olde Albilande was established by a combination of Francenlande, Douchmarken and Russavacian invaders who all landed on these 'lush' shores over four hundred years ago. At first they were content to kick the living poo out of each other and the indigenous savages they found here (you may know those savages today as Lamavicians, who the invaders chased off to their own belt of isles to the north of Olde Albilande, where they remain to this day being as smelly and unrefined as ever). The invaders each claimed sections of the land for their own and for a while an uneasy peace held sway. Of course as we all know each of the groups of invaders abandoned the land out of sheer boredom, leaving behind a few of the stubborn, sick or lack-witted  from each party that missed the boats as the settlers returned from whence they came. These people form the ancestors of the population of Albilande today.

  But enough of the past, what wonders are here for you today?.

'artists' impression

  As you may be aware the land is divided  into four counties, each as different from each other as chalk and dairy waste products. Lets take a closer look at each:

ROYAL CRIVENSHIRE

Located in the south is Royal Crivenshire, so called because it is the seat of the royal family of Albilande. The residence of the king being Crivens Castle in Royal Cravenly. The shire is noted for its fantastically windy coastline and vibrant trading towns such as the always busy Spillage and the slightly lop sided Gibblet, these walled river towns are home to many refined folks due to the traders guild making their home in each settlement to take advantage of the fine transport links and easy commute to the capital. If its shopping and commerce you want, Royal Crivenshire is the destination for you!

RUCKINGHAMMESHIRE

With the coast to the west the western most shire is the home to fine sunshine (up to 14 days a year) and the busy port towns of The Fences (the seat of the Earl of Offenhammeshire) and Allen-on-quey which are thriving hubs of trade and high fashion. It is said that the finery of the rich of these towns puts even the royal court to shame. This county is well known for its imported goods, it is said you can buy almost anything there if you don't ask too many questions!. The shire is home to some of the most ruthless criminal gangs in the history of the world, each not only partaking in vicious turf wars (each thursday at 3, tickets available at most 'reputable' ale houses across the shire) but also offering authentic tours of their safe houses to tourists and of course 'travel insurance' that will be a must have to all who traverse the shire.

TUTTINGHAMMESHIRE

If its more rugged scenery your after you could do worse than a trip to Tuttinghammeshire. Split east and west by the Crippled Jaw mountains and home to the dark pine forests of the northern peat bogs this is a haven for wildlife (most of which may attempt to kill and devour you). The people of Tuttinghammeshire mirror the terrain but are friendly in their own way. The land is home to many walled city states that due to the lay of the land function with a large degree of autonomy. Cities like Obbleholmme (the Earls seat) and Oopidge supply the quaint northern settlements surrounding them. Also of note is the hill town Phuckenmere, where the famous Whatsinitt sausage co make the countries best selling snacks and the village of Stubbin, where the famous coopers of Stubbin will allow you to observe them plying their age old trade, all while being told to 'piss of out of it' in their characterful northern tounge.

BURKSHIRE

The gateway to the east, Burkshire, also known as 'the wet shire,' has had rain for a record 122,000000 consecutive days!. Legend has it that it was cursed by a witch who was sick of locals making fun of her impressive wart collection. Today it is known for being the countries largest producer and exporter of quality mud and of course is home to the famous Drizzlemere cabbage, produced only in the hamlet of the same name. It is also quite famous for its region of the Middenlands, also known as 'the arse of Albilande', where the 'waste collection' barons of  Albilande deposit their stock (known locally as 'brown gold'). Tourists are greatly encouraged to visit** this beautiful area before the new fangled 'plumbing' craze destroys this wonder for good. 

Those of you that want to get back to nature may wish to visit the vast and mysterious Phlippinooge forest that runs through the center of Albilande. Its home to fine camp sites and hidden rivers and some of the most stunning scenery the land has to offer.It also provides many important roads linking the shires. It is worth noting that you will need a permit to travel and stay within the forest boundaries that can be obtained from the closest nymph office, failing to do so may lead to being squashed to death very slowly by angry Dryads.

  So that's just a small selection of what this fantastic land has to offer (we have not touched on the famous pie makers of Offal or the steel smiths of Ikky for example). All of us at the Olde Albilande tourist board wish you a fine stay free from cutpurses, bandits and mobs of ruffians......er.......ignore that last sentence.

* if you happen to be rich or of noble birth.

** Tours run each monday and tuesday, four free nose pegs with each family ticket.

***

Below is one of the only surviving transcripts of the regular daily news caste 'Today's happenings today', It was unearthed in the collection of keen hoarder and petty criminal Keith 'fingers' Flaniggish of Uxbridge. My thanks to Mr Flaniggish for allowing me to reprint it in its original condition here.

And here's your host;

Lead anchor Barron Stemphage Ramsholme

co anchor Miss Cravenlly Cabbes

Roving reporter Tweek Mincelley (Dropsey free since a week last smudgeday)

                                        And not forgetting Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport!

Heres whats happening where you are........TODAY!.

'Hello, my names Barron S Ramsholme, and this is what happened upon this day.
It has been confirmed that the entire royal line were indeed murdered!, the death of the entire line of succession upon the traditional feast of StCackendale has been confirmed by the sheriff of Crivenshire to have been caused by a poisoned pudding!!, heres Miss Cravenlly Cabbes with the details, Miss Cabbes'.

  'Ooooo fank oo Barron R, it as been confermed by royal tasters 'at a poisoned Damson Duff were all to blame for fha nasty deafs. It were found to be laced wiv a 'eavy dose of a substance called 'fha yawnin' deaf' also called 'fha watermaker' which targets fha tummy and arse. It turns out fhem royals actually pooed emselves to deaf!. Fha hunt for all them what were 'sponsable as begun in earnest but fha sheriffs men ave so far......got nuffin to go on!!!!'.

  'Thank you Miss Cravenlly, gives a whole new definition to 'throne room'. So with no successor what happens now?, we sent Tweek Mincelley to find out, we are now going over live to Crivins Castle where the aforementioned is waiting with a special report. Mr Mincelley can you here me?'.

 'Yes Barron i can hear you loud and clear, as i stand here upwind among the many vegetable tributes of half chewed turnips and potatoes and the odd dead rat left in touching wastefulness here at the main gates of Crivins Castle it appears the royal record keepers have been toiling night and day to work out what should occur to resolve this unprecedented issue. Never before has there been a dearth of royalty. No successor means no King which of course means no successor!. Its anarchy Barron, pure flippin madness!!. However i can now conform that the head legislator has found an ancient law for such an occurrence!, its known a..'
'Can you tell us what this law is called Tweek?'.
'Yes, yes Barron i can indeed conform it is known as Wazzcocks law and it dates back to the first kings, it states that, and im quoting here, er, 'Do notte be allarmmede if upone ye deathe of yonder monarch no sucessor shalle to be founde, calle forthe ye earls to determine as one manne the next ammonge theme to rule'. So it appears th'
'It seems the law is stating that the existing earls shall decide which of them will be the new king'.
...'quite right Barron, it shall be the earls th'
'The earls will be the deciders of the crown, thank you Tweek'.
'Tweek Mincelley there, reporting from the capitol, nice to see him free of the pink eye aye Cravenlly?'.
'Cerainly is Barron, ees quite the looker under all that puss!'.

Also in the happenings today; Miss Cravenlly?.'

 'Fhank oo Barron. fha King of Douchmark is still surchin for fhat rebel rabble leader Lucas Bitchenmarken, oos writings on fha foodal system and fisical equalitee between fha rich and fha poor as gon an caused several violent peasant uprisins. It is beleived fha dissident fholosefa was spotted fleein on a skiff offa fha east coast an could be edding fhis way, the king of Douchmark as stated ee will 'kick fha ooly shit out a any nation fhat would ide such a melovolant turd as Bitchenmarken.'

                                               
                                       Bitchenmarken, an artists impression, keep them peeled folks.

  'Ee looks like a lovely batato. Also in fha occurrences its been almost two monfs since fha dissaperence of Lady Grace Ballant from Ballant Keep. Eer farva Lord Ballant as promised free undred gold marks for...'

..'IM SORRY I'LL HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF THERE MISS CRAVENLLY, WE ARE GOING BACK TO TWEEK WITH SOME BREAKING NEWS, TWEEK'
'Thank you Barron, yes exciting news indeed, i have been given a statement from the estate of Glinric Pallenbrooke, the 26th Earl of Crivenshire. it reads th..'

'Exciting indeed what does it say tweek?'
'...yes thank you Barron, it reads thus:
       'During this time of national mourning and sadness it is clear that we need strong leadership to ensure we keep moving forward in the selection process of the next king. No one misses the last king with his harsh but fair taxation laws and fondness for tourture more than myself but it is essential we move in the right direction. With this in mind i, Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Royal Crivenshire here by name myself king in the interim, to rule while a perminant monarch is to be found. my first act as king is to set a date for the election of the new king, which will be held five years today, the 27th of meatember, the year of our gods 1654'.
'This means that the earl of..'
'The earl of Crivenshire has named himself temporary king!, thank you tweek. Tweek Mincelley, live from the royal seat. Here's Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport. Spldgeerton'.

'A thank you Barron..errrm...its been an exciting day in the 157th annual..errrm....'kick the inflated badger corpse between two villages while people beat the hell out of each other cup'...eerm....So far Latherfordde in-unison lead Knottesridge neveracademicals 7 deaths to 4...errrm.....the badger has been burst and trampled underfoot during the first half...errm.....leading to some first rate pummeling by...errm....the Leatherfordde back 78, although  Knottesridge did have a late stabbing ruled out for offside by the etching assisted referee. It looks to be Leatherfordde's game with sundown fast approaching...errm...however the after game punch up between the teams...eerrm....will be worth sticking around for...errrm....'

'Thank you Spludgeerton. well thats the happenings for today, join us upon the morrow for more. Until then its a fond good bye from me, Barron Stemphage Ramsholmeme and the rest of the Crivenshire news team....goode night!'.

***

The following is quoted with kind permission directly from Dr Quentin Templeton-Smidglys' seminal study on the war of the four kings entitled 'A study into the war of 1654, what the f*$k was that about then?'. In chapter four of this learned tome Dr Templeton-Smidgly details the letters, notes and decrees, both official and unofficial recorded and recovered from records of the Estates of the Earls of the Shires. It gives a full and detailed view of the events that lead directly to the conflict that almost drove Olde Albilande to its knees.

CHAPTER 4: THE LION AND THE FERRET

 Following the decree under Wazcockes law given by Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Crivinshire on the 27th of Meatember edition of 'Todays happenings today', Crivenshires best (and only) topical community events telecast, the reaction was swift. A public declaration from Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, 19th Earl of  Tuttinghammeshire was issued that read as follows:

  'the young Earl of Crivenshire seems to have made an error of judgement. It is plain to all that you cannot simply declare yourself king, in the interim or otherwise. This err can be forgiven due to the large amount of stress we are all under at present and the grief we are all feeling. I am sure that the young man will come to his senses in no time and we can allow him to forget his childish notion. Besides, if we were to have a king in the interim it would need to be a man of knowledge and experience such as myself not some wet babe fresh off the tit.'

 The first to respond to this was Alben 'the gov'nr' Alfenshe, 23rd Earl of Ruckinghammeshire who sent this personal message to Cobbenhamme:

  'Your 'avin' a flippin' larf ant 'ya' granpa?, you, a fit king, do me a favour!. Gorden bennit we need a fella that at least is gonna make it to the election without kickin' the bleedin' bucket!.

 Its worth noting this letter was sent in a chamber pot, also containing a pair of fur lined slippers and a tartan blanket. To Pallenbrooke he sent:

  'Cor wot are you like?, you cant jus' go around namin' yourself king, you need plannin' and finkin'. For what its worth i reckon you would be a bettah bet than that old pissy britches up north but you got to start usin' your 'ed. By the way, you still on for this ship full a' Francenlande brandy?, yours for 'alf a chaffinch as were mates an all'.

  The response from Tuttunghammeshire to Ruckinghammeshire was fast:

  'Sod off you curr, if you ever send such letters to my estate again you will see that this old man still has arms enough to deal with the likes of you you grubby little spiv. Just remember i hung your Grandfather for the fence and racketeer he was and when that royal investigation into your taxes is finished i will personally see you suffer the same at my own two hands'.

The earl of Tuttinghammeshire also released a public statement as follows:

'I, Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, 19th Earl of  Tuttinghammeshire do decree that i name myself king for the period until such a time that a new king is elected in line with wazzcockes law. I feel as the most experienced and long serving Earl it is my duty before the gods to accept this task to ensure the country keeps on progressing during this difficult time.'

  Before sending his own answer to this aggressive act the Earl of Crivenshire sent a private note to
  Alben 'the gov'nr' Alfenshe which has just been unearthed which sheds some new light on the relationship between the two:

 'I trust after your last statement i can rely on your support in whatever actions may come?, it may transpire that a report of a financial nature may not be finished after all if your help can be assured. I would ask you to declare your support publicly if this is the case.  As far as the brandy goes please send a sample and then deal direct with my 'head scribe'. Mums the word'.

  He then issued a statement to the Earl of Tuttinghammeshire:

  'The statement given by the honorable Earl of Tuttinghammeshire is not accepted by Royal Crivenshire nor recognized by our allies. You are being given five days to retract the declaration and offer a recognition of the interim rulership of  king Glinric Pallenbrooke until such a time as a true king can be declared. If you fail to do so you will be named an enemy of the crown and such actions as deemed appropriate will be taken to remove you from your seat.

 While this exchange was happening the 25th Earl of Burkshire Ribbille Ribbensholme pitched in to the debate, sending an open letter to each earl.

  'During this time it seems to be a backwards step for us to be bickering among ourselves. This time should be used to govern together and join as one mind to further the fortune of every Albilander not just to furnish our own ambition. We can make a difference to each and every serf and smallholder, smith and cooper to make the people of this nation strong once more.

  and mum says if you all get to be king i should have a turn, your being really, really, rreeeaaallllyyyy unfair.

 This letter was roundly ignored by the other three earls. Before the Earl of Ruckinghammeshire could declare his alliance with Crivenshire he had time to send a private note to Cobbenhamme, thus:

  'Ere, mate, i know we ant on the best terms but i want you to know that i think you may be the right bloke to sit on the fancy chair while we decide on the next king. I may be makin' a statement soon but pay it no heed, no word of a lie if the lead starts flyin' it wont be Ruckinghammeshire that will be firin' 'em your way.

 Its not known if the last known letters sent before the outbreak of hostilities were sent before or after the Earl of Tuttinghammeshire took receipt of this note but he sent two last massives, one to his trusted general Sir Phillibridge Physs which read as follows:

' TAKE AS MANY MEN AS YOU NEED AND MARCH SOUTH, LET THE SOFT SOUTHERN FERRETS FEEL THE CLAWS OF A PROUD NORTHERN LION.'

 To Pallenbrooke he sent a two line note which simply stated:

 'to the false king of the south, i retract nothing.
 Prepare thyself'.

  Just two days after these notes Sir Physs crossed the border into Crivenshire with an army at his back sparking the first battle of a protracted campaign. The battle of Phlemm Valley, where the advanced guard of Physs' column were met by the combined patrols of sir Crowesfell and Sir Finnagree the clenched. A full study into the battle can be found in the next chapter: 'A Trial at Phlemm'.

 Well i'm sure you agree we owe a debt of thanks to Dr Templeton-Smidgly for allowing the inclusion of his most detailed works on these humble pages. I for one cant wait to find out what actually happened on that hallowed ground of the Valley of Phlemm.

***

The final snippit is taken from the book 'Technology and Warfare in 17th century Olde Albilande, what a F&*%in' mess' by Dr Webbingtonne Oldstone-Quelling. The seminal work has provided a great insight to all mock historians seeking to delve into the era and to understand what the flip was actually happening. The following was taken from the chapter 'Pikes vs Tanks, are you bloody mad??!!' and is reproduced without permission, the good Dr wants fifty quid, he can go bury his head in a choice and very dark orifice as far as i care!.

  '........it is widely believed that the horse and musket era followed the pike and shot era before the discovery of steam. In most places this was true and it is because of one invention: the bayonet. This simple blade attached to the barrel of the musket allowed each musketeer to be his own pikeman. This single fact allowed for massed ranks of men to fire and move at a far greater rate now the slow and heavy pike was not needed. Most people think this simple advance was simply missed as Albilande moved into its age of steam, this was not the case.

    On seventeen occasions the patent office of Olde Albilande had a patent request From the small scale weapons producer D. isembowler and sons regarding a small blade to be fixed under the barrel of a musket. Each time this request was ignored without reply. Why would this be?, The answer was clear, the head of the patent office, one Sir Rillington Pike, one of the four hiers to the Pike company of weaponsmiths to the King  had more than a vested interest in the continuation of the use of the weapon with which he shared his name, indeed his Farther and two uncles ran the company!. It is even reported the company performed an extremely hostile take over of  D. isembowler and sons (the sons were never herd from again) later in the year. Thus the madness of blocks of men holding long sticks facing off against the newly invented heavy tank (est The Pike Company) was made real. Its highly ironic in this writers mind that the major advances in steam technology brought about by the work of the genius Leonard Dubruinvinchi  not only in the area of industry but also in warfare with his rtanks was in direct opposition to the thinking of the industry he produced his designs for. Again Olde Albilande just beggers belief!.

***

........'till next time.......

Best pop your glasses on!.

Hello all, i have managed to completely miss the fun and games of Orctober, many fellow bloggers have done a stirling job of feasting our collective eyes with some wonderful greenies ( see Philotep, Paul and Sceavus to name but three) i have managed to get some other stuff done in the month (lummie!!) since my last post.......but first......

                                                            SSSLLLLAYYYYEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   So what have i been up to that's not blogging when im all at 'ome an' that?. Well, i have finished my first two 2mm armies for my upcoming campaign, observe:

The majestic army of Royal Crivenshire!.

The reet 'ard Bastards of grimm old Tuttinghammeshire!.

  As was mentioned in a previous post i will be revisiting a former almost fleshed out setting of Olde Albilande to finally play out the

 stuff. However i have switched to a far smaller scale to allow for MASSIVE games (oooh theres irony) and to let me expand on the setting by making it more of a pike and shotte meets steampunk type effort that i envisioned when starting the project last time out but was unable to complete in the previous 1/72 scale i was using. I will be......errr...... nicking the format of the campaign from Peter over on his blog (don't worry i asked if it was ok), with the odd change here and there to allow for my general laziness. 

  Most (ok all) of the campaigns i have started have floundered after the first few battles so this one will give me a chance to try a different approach. I think most of the issue has been my lack of prep, relying on getting minis, narrative and terrain together as and when required which i think left me feeling too 'busy' to be bothered to continue, other projects would creep in seeming more simple and fun or just as a quick break which i never came back from. This time i will prep before hand meaning rules for the campaign and game mechanics need to be clear before i start, armies need to be ready before i get going (although some things will only be available later in the campaign so will be done later leaving me safe in the knowledge that the hard work is out the way). I have also got ahead with terrain having made a board for the games, rivers, roads, forests and hills to be getting on with (nothing special, just things that work well enough, i can do better quality bits and bobs later as and when feel like it):

This stuff 'ere.

 I will have to crack on with working on the changes I want to make to the background, namely some fleshing out and name changes and some such, no major changes but important enough to get done. I also have to get the campaign map finished (almost there) to get hostilities underway.

 While I get on with that here are some more photos of the finished bits. Most of the minis are from the irregular miniatures 2mm range with some kallistra 12mm scale stuff as giants and some dystopian wars tanks chucked in.

Tuttinghammeshire armour supports the advancing cavalry wing.

Wazzockshire Brute Hounds rush to counter the brave men of the elite Storm Badgers division.

A Crivenshire combined armour and cavalry strike force advance.

And heres a scale comparison shot to show off just how small these 2mm minis actually are:

From the left: 28mm Perry(ish) knight, 20mm A call to arms ecw bloke, 12mm Kallistra command stand, 2mm Irregular pike and shot block.

 They are bloody small but in most cases you can make out rather a lot of detail, individuals are clearly defined on the pike and shot pieces and crew for artillary are clearly there on the mini. They are also nice to paint, they require the 'paint the unit not the man' approach, you kind of paint in lines rather than picking out details, although i have been finding the standard base coat, wash, highlight method is worth doing to bring out the sense of depth on the minis. Its about the grand sweep of the game as a whole when dealing with 2mm, which is something i find very appealing. I will be cracking on with the background stuff and the map next then tackling the 3 other major forces for the campaign, although the idea is they may join either of the two shires covered here rather than working as another side so no immediate rush there.

 Also while im here (it could be another month knowing me!) i wanted to point you in the direction of this post by WargamingPastor over on his deathzap blog. What a brilliant idea and a great way to use up the odd few minis you always have floating around after finishing a project!. I may have to explore this in the future!.........

.......'till next time.....