The battle of slanted river ( or ye old dam, bloody nuisance!)
' the sound of hoof beats rose as the sun glinted off the polished plate armor of Tarquin the Boulde, lord of Slanted river and keeper of the east bank, his banner fluttered in the afternoon breeze held by his champion Ballac the Bloody, Butcher of wherever he be stood at that moment, actually you can add sitting to that, maybe squatting too if you think about it. His honer guard of house hold knights rode with him as they approached the similar party of knights waiting on the other side of the dry bed of the river. The waiting party also displayed their lords arms, crossed swords on a field of pure white. The lord of this waiting host was well known to lord Tarquin and as he saw his foes face at a distance Tarquin spat, 'Holester' he said with barely hidden contempt.
As the line of ragged surfs watched their lord ride to parley with the fools of the west bank they gave a lusty cheer. Mouldy Dave elbowed riddled Larry. 'Ere' started Dave as the dust cloud bearing his lord vanished into the distance, 'whatta you thing these lords do at these parleys Larry?, does they just insult each other, you know, call each other names an that, or..'. 'You pig faced goat bearded pile of orse dung' interrupted Larry not looking away from the column of riders in the distance. 'You what?!' asked Dave raising his crude staff, at once confused and offended. 'You pig faced goat bearded pile of orse dung', they might say that. Or 'you seedless wet donkeys bollock's, or 'you stinking great badger arsed lummox' or.....'. 'Yes, yes Larry' butted in Dave regaining his composure 'like that, do they just do that or do you think they trys to.....you know......stop the fight.'. 'No no Dave thats not what a good parleys for, no. you never got married so you dont know what a parleys about do you'. 'Whats that got to do with it?' replied Dave with a hint of irritation in his voice. 'A parley, i mean a good parley, a proper parley'. explained Larry 'is not about who did what and what you ave to do about it oh no. A good parley is about makin sure whatever appens was the other persons fault!'. Having delivered his pearl of wisdom Riddled Larry crossed his arms smugly. 'Oh' exclaimed Mouldy Dave, 'fancy'.
The Knights glared at each other from the backs of their war horses, the sun gleaming off their plate, the pennets of their lances rippling in the breeze. Between them the dried up river bank formed a natural barrier. Lord Holester the houghty, keeper of the west bank and the fields of fools corse trotted smartly forward twiddling his grey moustache. 'Ah pup' he bellowed 'what the bloody hell do you think you are playing at boy!?'. Lord Tarquin took a step forward 'Lord grey mane, i thought i smelled coco and incontinence'. His knights laughed at the jibe as Lord Holister reddened. 'I may ask you the same thing'. Holister puffed out his chest and replied 'You are charged with theft sir, plain simple theft and it will not stand you wet young babe!' his own knight laughed at their masters reposte, Tarquins smile dropped. 'To what am i ment to have taken old man?' Tarquin enquired amused. 'Why this of course' answered Holister gesturing down at the river bed. 'Your horse sir?, your feet?, the very ground?' replied Tarquin, appealing to his men at arms who were chuckling along with him. 'Dont play dumb with me my lad', shouted an irritated Holister, 'The water, your men have damed the river as you well know and i demand our water back before the day is out, what say you sir?!'. 'Your water, i see no water sir, its all upstream on my land, which makes it my water surly?'. 'Your water. YOUR WATER SIR!'. 'Why yes ' answered Tarquin as if explaining it to a toddler. 'Water that is up stream on my land is my water, all the water in this part of the stream belongs to you, if the water is not flowing for any reason and is on my land its my water, it has yet to move to your land so cant be yours do you see sir?'. Holister led his horse to the edge of the bank and lent towards Tarquin. 'The reason the water is not flowing is because of your damn dam sir, you will remove it or gods be good i will give you a ruddy hiding!'. Tarquin smirked. 'Well if thats the case then the answer is clear, i have raised my surfs and you have raised yours, i always fancied having the lands along the river, how about we march across the river and take them from your cold dead hands, how would that be sir?!'. 'Then it must be battle is that the shape of things sir?' Retorted Holister.' I killed your idiot father boy and by sundown i will do the same to you and any of these fools that get in my way, to arms then...you bring this on yourself!'. Holister turned his mount and galloped towards his men followed by his knights. Lord Tarquin turned his own horse to address his knights. 'I told you men, the dam will be the start of it but by days end all of this will be ours, to arms!'.
I used identical forces of 2x 4 Knights (one per side contains a lord). 3x6 serfs and 2x4 surf archers. Lord Tarquins forces are on blue bases with yellow trim and Lord Holisters troops are on white with yellow trim.
The banks of Slanted River
Slanted River: The blue section is water and impassable, The rocks represent the dam and the green is the dry bank which is clear (but damp and sludgy) ground.
Sir Holisters forces array for battle.
The army of Sir Tarquin looking mean,
Lord Tarquins forces advance as the arrows fly.
Serfs get their feet dirty!.
Sir Holister leads the counter charge!
See!, and they bring the lance based pain.....
On the other flank the surfs clash!
After much back and forth lord Tarquin slays Lord Holister!.....
.....And the remaining surfs run (towards some kind of dark rift or void that no one seemed to noticed at the start!).
The rules pay very quickly and combat has a nice back and forth to it. If i was going to do another game in this period ( historical accuracy is always key here on Wronghammer!), i would give the surfs a lower saving throw to make the knights better then them in the cut and thrust of battle but thats the sort of thing you can do with simple rules without risking wrecking the ballance of the game. These rules were a lot of fun, expect to see them again some time soon!.
Before i sign off i would like to say a massive HELLOOOO to Mr Gainluca Ghetti and Mr Alan....er Alan, the latest people to step into the void of babble and blurgh that is the lot of the followers of this very blog. Welcome Sirs!. I cant find weather or not you guys have blogs but if you do please feel free to drop the address in the comments section so we can all check them out!. Welcome!.
Anyway (checkoutMrTarsrules) till next time......