Tuesday, 8 May 2018

Skirmish at Phlemm Valley

  After all the build up its time to launch this continuingworldbuildingcampaigntypething!:


The situation that has led up to this situation can be read, well i would do a list but if you read the last 6 posts (but take out the 'Hassles of Hoff' as a semi-related piece) you should be up to speed.

The war of four kings is well known to have been officially started by Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, the 19th Earl of Fossestershire ordering troops south into Crivenshire to contest the interim rulership of Olde Albilande after the whole royal line was wiped out in a single night by a poisoned pudding instigating the need to implement wazzcockes law, which decrees the election of a new king from the serving Earls. (whew, long sentence!).

Two of the four counties have called their forces to march against each other as both their ruling Earls have laid claim to the right to rule until the election of the new king can be decided (Royal Crivenshire in the south and Fossestershire in the north). Another of the counties (Offenhammeshire to the south west) has secretly called its troops to arms but is keeping its plans under wraps. Who knows whats happening in the other shire ( Burkenshire, to the east). The campaign map shows the current situation:

Click to make it far, far clearer!.

Each flag shows an army called by the shire. Fossestershires 3rd army has marched from the border town of Phucenmere, over the border to Crivenshire at the Earls Request, only to be intercepted by the much larger Crivenshire 2nd. Stopping short of contact with the enemy just west of Gibblet, Sir Physs, Commander of the Fossestershire 3rd has sent out scouts to access the situation. Reports of frequent border patrols personally lead by a minor knight of the shire to harry and discourage any forward movement has caused him to halt his advance. Physs' plan was to intercept a patrol and massacre it, not only to clear passage for an advanced force to gain ground undetected but to land a initial moral blow to the enemy. To this end he has ordered a mounted force to slip south to cut off any retreat a patrol may make and to attack them with a second force from the north. This way he reasoned the patrol would be trapped by the split forces and wiped out. However his plan relied on trapping a mobile enemy. Thus, he chose the high ridged Valley of Phlemm as the stage for his rouse.

He chose able commanders to lead his split forces. Sir Crankerton-smithe, veteran of the forth Lamavic uprising lead a mounted force south of the valley ready to cut back north. The young sir Mallalllall would command the infantry that would attack the patrol and herd them towards the cavalry attack. 
  His plan however would not be as clean as he had hoped, a rain storm took hold a day before the attack upsetting the arrival of the horse, There was also a surprise in store when the Crivenshire force was discovered!.

   Fearing an attack the Commander of the Royal Crivenshire 2nd army, Lord Chopah of Ralligh commanded the patrols be doubled and constant contact in the field be maintained between the parties to ensure threats could be reacted to quickly. Thus the patrols of sir Crowesfell and sir Finnagree the Clenched met in the Phlemm valley to compare notes when sir Mallalllallls force attacked!.

The Game

  For this game i'm using Ospreys Lion Rampant as for Medieval skirmishes its pretty great. I set some victory conditions: The Crivenshire patrols had to get an unbattered unit off of the table at either end of the valley floor to send word of the attack to the 2nd army. Fossestershire had 5 turns to ensure no Crivenshire forces got away to raise the alarm thus would win if the patrol failed to get any troops out.
 The game begins with both Crivenshire patrols in the center of the valley, on the first turn Sir Mallallalls infantry may move on to the northern edge of the valley by passing a move activation. From turn two onwards the force of Sir Crankerton-smithe can move on to the southern valley edge in the same way.

On the first turn sir Mallallalls troops move first.

The forces:

 The Crivenshire patrols are identical, being made up of two units of mounted sarjeants with bows, a knight leads one of the units. (the Crivenshire forces have blue and white bases)

 Sir Mallallalls infantry force is made up of two units of foot yeomen with mixed weapons (spear and bow), one is lead by Sir Mallallall.

 The Fossestershire horse contingent consists of Sir Crankerton-smithe leading a unit of Mounted Men at Arms and two units of Mounted Sarjeants. (all Fossestershire forces have white bases with Grey trim).

The Valley of Phlemm, pre-bother. (taken from the north)


The Crivenshire patrols of  sir Crowesfell (left) and sir Finnagree the Clenched (right) meet.

 Sir Mallallall and his troops burst into the valley.
 Sir Mallallall enjoys pointing with his sword
one unit is sent to sneak round the trees!.

 Surprised, the highly trained patrols spring into action!
Sir Finnagree sends a unit onto the high ground to draw a bead on the sneaky foot!.
 With sir Crowesfells unit bearing down sir Mallallall orders arrows to fly!.
 To the south of the Valley sir Crankerton-smithe leads his lancers onto the field!.
The noose tightens!

 In the north end the foot by the trees are charged and forced to fall back.
 Sir Crowesfell orders his troops into the hail of arrows!.
The brave charge forces Sir Mallallalls foot back and leaves them battered!
 A brave unit from sir sir Finnagrees patrol counter-charge the lancers of  sir Crankerton-smithe in an attempt to hold them off.
sir Finnagree the Clenched leads his troops up the valley to head off the galloping Fossestershire sarjeants, if they can just buy Sir Crowesfell more time!.

 Elsewhere sir Mallallall tries to rally his troops when  Sir Crowesfell leads another charge home against his troops!.
 Forcing them to bolt for home!.
Sir Mallallalls other foot Yoemen unit are also sent running!.

 Down the valley sir Finnagree the Clenched's patrol sell their lives dearly to buy time for Crowesfells escape!.
 The lancers steamroller the sarjeants that dare to impede them. Crankerton-smithe hollers a challenge across the valley to the cowardly dog sir Crowesfell.
Who honors the sacrifice of his troops by heading home to raise the alarm to the Crivenshire 2nd! 'Fossestershire have attacked, the war has begun!'

 Well its started, where it will end i do not know but it looks like i may have a game or two to get on and play!. Right i best get Burkenshires forces based up!....

.....'till next time.....

Monday, 7 May 2018

The 'rules' of campaign



 Hi all, having done the scene setting for my new campaign (see hereherehere and here for a catch up) i thought i would go a little into the rules I'm imposing on this project. First thing to say is that i am playing solo and have no preference for any of the factions. Its an exercise in story telling and narrative scenario building to create a period of 'history' so strict adherence to any rules will only be taken so far. I reserve the right to ignore these rules at any point if there is a cool story building and i feel going in one direction or another will add to the narrative.

 That being said there are a few bits and bobs i want to show you before i write up the first battle.

Ye olde Campaign mappe:
Each action will be tracked on the map, this should give some context to the who, where and what of each action. The map is as shown in previous posts but i have added flags to denote the armies in the field of each faction. Each is led by a dedicated staff and the number on each flag will allow me to keep track of which leader is where. The size of each army is denoted by its relative size on the map. The armies are thousands of men strong (between 5000- 20000) and it is assumed they will not commit all their troops to one battle so its not a 'one and done' shot with them. It is also assumed they are well stocked and re-enforced to survive in the field until such a time as they cant!.

  The map moves will be as clear as i can make them but time is a factor i will not be paying much attention to, its not going to follow any kind of  turn structure, i may 'zoom in' to several places if the action is hotting up there and ignore other areas only to go back in time so to speak to cover other battles that have happened while i was elsewhere. I suppose i am taking the roll of film director rather than campaign controller in the classic wargame sense. In this way distances moved will also be abstracted on the whole.

  The current moves are shown above and next time out i will detail the first action (between Crivenshire 2nd army and the 3rd Fossestershire force). It shows the armies raised by the shires currently in action (Fossestershire and Royal Crivenshire have publicly raised forces to contest the interim rulership and Offenhammeshire have done so 'on the quiet', their intentions so far unknown).

Reaction charts

  These i will use for armies that have either had an opposing force move close to them or that have lost a battle and will be used to make decisions to add a random element to the narrative.

 When an army looses a game it will roll 1d10 and consult this table:

1 or less: Total Surrender!
               The army is defeated and removed from the map. If it is a force commanded by that shires Earl all field armies are held on the same terms and the whole shires forces come under the command of the shire that forced the reaction!.

2-4  Retreat and rally!
       The army will move away into clear ground in such a way that an attacking enemy may not attack them without moving closer first.

5-8 Retreat and hold!
    The army moves away and as above but not so far as to avoid attack. It will move to a defencive position if it can.

9-10 Counter strike!
      The army may have been pushed back but is far from defeated!. At its next opportunity it will throw men into the attack against the army that defeated them!.

 The rolling force must -1 from the roll for each consecutive battle lost after the first.

 When a force moves close enough to an enemy to become a direct threat the force that is being threatened must roll 1d10 and consult the following:

1 Offer terms!
   The commander will make moves to contact the enemy commander with an offer of surrender!. The threatened army is then removed from the game!. If it is the Earls force that rolls this result the forces army all surrender and its forces come under the control of the enemy that caused the result!.

2-3 Retreat!
   The force will move away from the enemy in such a way that it is not being threatened any more.

4-7 On Guard
    The force stays put ready to react to whatever the enemy may try!.

8-10 Attack!!
     The threatened force will attack as soon as able!.

  The rolling force must -1 from the roll for each consecutive battle lost after the first.

Note: i do reserve the right to either not roll or ignore the result if it would benefit the narrative to do so!.

Other factions

   The shires may be the ruling powers but they are not alone in the land. There are many other forces that will be featured that have their own aims and motivations!. Their are also several mercenary forces with little care than gold!. these forces may become involved if hired by another force, although they are a little 'unreliable' to say the least!.

Magic
  Whats a fantasy world without magic?. Now i sit in the 'low fantasy' camp. I like to use magic as seasoning rather than it being all powerful. In this campaign i am going to follow the magic rules i included in my Blood, Guts and rampant hex rules:

For ages past mighty wizards have been taking to the battlefields to aid the aims of Kings and Despots the world over in their struggles. Often the humble magic lobber was the difference between victory and defeat, and thus their stock rose to that of mighty (if slightly odd) heroes of battle!. However becoming a 'star player' on the field of battle paints a pretty large target on your backside and thus sure as eggs come out of lady poultry enemy commanders were seeking new and extreme ways to turn opposing wizards into gravy!. Turning the enemy Spell caster into an interesting collection of puncture wounds was the order of the day and soon it became rare for a wizard to survive very long when the cannons roared!.
    Around this time a collection of (singed and grazed) spell mumblers came together to see if anything could be done to increase their life expectancy. After a spirited discussion it was decided that a wizards place was in front of a roaring fire with a sherry and a nice bit of cake in a large tower rather than the cut and thrust of battle. Thus, the Spellcasters Trust for the protection of wizards of all types (S.T.P.W.T) was born!. To this end Wizards now refuse to enter battle, in their place a commander may purchase scrolls containing spells that they can bloody well cast themselves!!. This innovation means the wizards may have the desired effect on the battle without the worry of being run through by large, hairy, sweaty warrior types with no appreciation for the finer magical arts mid incantation!. Of course it has not been without its teething troubles but all new things will have bugs to iron out. Some scrolls are miss spelled (sometimes literally!) and can do more harm than good, not to mention the fact that wizards are known to have a poor grip on admin, resulting in scrolls turning up late or not at all!!. However these issues have not slowed the demand for battlefield magic, the industry for magic scrolls is in major growth and has made the wizards not just safer but considerably richer for it!.


 I will use whatever magic system is included in the rules i am using for a game but will work out a way for spells to be single use by a unit and determined at random before the game. There will also be a chance no magic will be available!.

 There will also be a few 'unlicensed' magic users around Olde Albilande that live on their own terms and may be persuaded to join forces with various factions to suit their own ends!. 

Rule Systems
   I will probably switch between whatever rules suit the size and type of action being played at the time but i think the story is the thing so i'm happy to chop and change. I am also finishing off my own mass battle system at the mo so i may use that even though it is in its testing stage as it kills two birds with one stone and will put pressure on me to get on with finishing them and writing them up!.


 Anyway, i hope this post will help make my intentions for the coming campaign clear(ish), basically its a story that will be shaped by gaming and i will continue to use several narrative posts to set the scene and fill narrative holes between battles (taking the place of the prologues i have used for my AARs) where needed. Next up, 'The battle of Phlemm Valley'!.

The battle of Phlemm Valley, coming soon!

.......'till next time........ 

Sunday, 6 May 2018

On Lions, Ferrets and the outbreak of war


The following is quoted with kind permission directly from Dr Quentin Templeton-Smidglys' seminal study on the war of the four kings entitled 'A study into the war of 1354, what the f*$k was that about then?'. In chapter four of this learned tome Dr Templeton-Smidgly details the letters, notes and decrees, both official and unofficial recorded and recovered from records of the Estates of the Earls of the Shires. It gives a full and detailed view of the events that lead directly to the conflict that almost drove Olde Albilande to its knees.

CHAPTER 4: THE LION AND THE FERRET

 Following the decree under Wazcockes law given by Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Crivinshire on the 27th of Meatember edition of 'Todays happenings today', Crivenshires best (and only) topical community events telecast, the reaction was swift. A public declaration from Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, 19th Earl of  Fossestershire was issued that read as follows:

  'the young Earl of Crivenshire seems to have made an error of judgement. It is plain to all that you cannot simply declare yourself king, in the interim or otherwise. This err can be forgiven due to the large amount of stress we are all under at present and the grief we are all feeling. I am sure that the young man will come to his senses in no time and we can allow him to forget his childish notion. Besides, if we were to have a king in the interim it would need to be a man of knowledge and experience such as myself not some wet babe fresh off the tit.'

 The first to respond to this was Alben 'the gov'nr' Alfenshe, 23rd Earl of Offenhamshire who sent this personal message to Cobbenhamme:

  'Your 'avin' a flippin' larf ant 'ya' granpa?, you, a fit king, do me a favour!. Gorden bennit we need a fella that at least is gonna make it to the election without kickin' the bleedin' bucket!.

 Its worth noting this letter was sent in a chamber pot, also containing a pair of fur lined slippers and a tartan blanket. To Pallenbrooke he sent:

  'Cor wat are you like?, you cant jus' go around namin' yourself king, you need plannin' and thinkin'. For what its worth i reckon you would be a better bet than that old pissy britches up north but you got to start usin' your 'ed. By the way, you still on for this ship full a' Francenlande brandy?, yours for 'alf a chaffinch as were mates an all'.

  The response from Fossestershire was fast:

  'Sod off you curr, if you ever send such letters to my estate again you will see that this old man still has arms enough to deal with the likes of you you grubby little spiv. Just remember i hung your Grandfather for the fence and racketeer he was and when that royal investigation into your taxes is finished i will personally see you suffer the same at my own two hands'.

The earl of Fossestershire also released a public statement as follows:

'I, Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, 19th Earl of  Fossestershire do decree that i name myself king for the period until such a time that a new king is elected in line with wazzcockes law. I feel as the most experienced and long serving Earl it is my duty before the gods to accept this task to ensure the country keeps on progressing during this difficult time.'

  Before sending his own answer to this aggressive act the Earl of Crivenshire sent a private note to
  Alben 'the gov'nr' Alfenshe which has just been unearthed which sheds some new light on the relationship between the two:

 'I trust after your last statement i can rely on your support in whatever actions may come?, it may transpire that a report of a financial nature may not be finished after all if your help can be assured. I would ask you to declare your support publicly if this is the case.  As far as the brandy goes please send a sample and then deal direct with my 'head scribe'. Mums the word'.

  He then issued a statement to the Earl of Fossestershire:

  'The statement given by the honorable Earl of Fossestershire is not accepted by Royal Crivenshire nor recognized by our allies. You are being given five days to retract the declaration and offer a recognition of the interim rulership of  king Glinric Pallenbrooke until such a time as a true king can be declared. If you fail to do so you will be named an enemy of the crown and such actions as deemed appropriate will be taken to remove you from your seat.

 While this exchange was happening the 25th Earl of Burkenshire Ribbille Ribbensholme pitched in to the debate, sending an open letter to each earl.

  'During this time it seems to be a backwards step for us to be bickering among ourselves. This time should be used to govern together and join as one mind to further the fortune of every Albilander not just to furnish our own ambition. We can make a difference to each and every serf and smallholder, smith and cooper to make the people of this nation strong once more.

  and mum says if you all get to be king i should have a turn.

 This letter was roundly ignored by the other three earls. Before the Earl of Offenhamshire could declare his alliance with Crivenshire he had time to send a private note to Cobbenhamme, thus:

  'Ere, mate, i know we ant on the best terms but i want you to know that i think you may be the right bloke to sit on the fancy chair while we decide on the next king. I may be makin' a statement soon but pay it no heed, no word of a lie if the arras start flyin' it wont be Offenhameshire that will be firin' 'em your way.

 Its not known if the last known letters sent before the outbreak of hostilities were sent before or after the Earl of Fossestershire took receipt of this note but he sent two last notes, one to his trusted general Sir Phillibridge Physs which read as follows:

' TAKE AS MANY MEN AS YOU NEED AND MARCH SOUTH, LET THE SOFT SOUTHERN FERRETS FEEL THE CLAWS OF A PROUD NORTHERN LION.'

 To Pallenbrooke he sent a two line note which simply stated:

 'to the false king of the south, i retract nothing.
 Prepare thyself'.

  Just two days after these notes Sir Physs crossed the border into Crivenshire with an army at his back sparking the first battle of a protracted campaign. The battle of Phlemm Valley, where the advanced guard of Physs' column were met by the combined patrols of sir Crowesfell and Sir Finnagree the clenched. A full study into the battle can be found in the next chapter: 'A spillage at Phlemm'.

 Well i'm sure you agree we owe a debt of thanks to Dr Templeton-Smidgly for allowing the inclusion of his most detailed works on these humble pages. I for one cant wait to find out what actually happened on that hallowed ground of the Valley of Phlemm.

But that will have to wait........'till next time.......

Saturday, 5 May 2018

The Hassles of Hoff: Horror at High Tide pt2

     It took a while but its done!, the first full battle report of my new setting is here! (see here, here and here for details). It feels that everything is starting to get some meat on its bones with places in....er.....well, place and an overall feel starting to settle, hopefully the following will add a little to it. Work is taking a lot of my attention at the mo as i am undergoing some rather drastic training as i am changing my career path quite dramatically at the mo so i have not been able to get all my ideas down on this lill' blog o' mine, i had hoped to be elbow deep in campaign games but im still setting the scene somewhat, hopefully one more post to that effect will allow things to kick off all proper like!. However, for now its the on going 'side project' for the new setting which i hope to use to give a more 'personal' view from the ground in Albilande circa 1354 rather than the grander political scale of the war of 4 kings to come. Anyhow im gabbling so without further ado, i give you:


Episode 1 (pt2): horror at high tide!

(you can read part 1 here)

  As the dark shapes moved quietly through the ebbing waves at the edge of the shore Sgt Hoff raised his right hand, a sign his men understood to mean 'hold ground'. Hoff got those old familiar butterflies in his gut as he observed the enemies advance, knowing the carnage that was to come. He allowed the raiders to keep coming, he lent forward in his saddle, his arm held, his men standing in silence, still he let them come on, further up.... further.... soon the time would be at hand, only a matter of moments. The tension was palpable, the air hung with nerves and adrenaline, weighing down on the fighting cocks, still he let them come.....and come, soon it would be too late, soon i... **AATCCCHHHHOOOO!!!!**. The raiders froze, confusion etched across their weather beaten faces. Hoff dropped his hand and spun in his saddle. 'Right who was that?' he demanded, he spun back to the raiders who were looking forward into the gloom trying to see who or what had spoken. 'Sorry, do you mind if we have a brief moment?', he spun back around to face his men. 'I want to know right now who sneezed, step forward that man!'. The famous fearless fighting cocks stared at their collective boots and mumbled. 'Come on' barked Hoff  'I want to know who it was, we are not starting this battle until the culprit owns up!'.
There was some shoving and muttering in the archers ranks until a small slight man of advancing years was shoved forward 'it were me sarge' he mumbled looking down like a scolded child, 'i got sand up in me 'ooter an' i coulden' 'old it no more'. Hoff stared right through him for a moment that must of felt like hours to the recipient. 'Look, stoaty Dave is it?, im not angry Dave, its just we had a clear plan and now the element of surprise is gone. It was going to be so dramatic, so, i don't know.....heroic, oh and you may as well light the torches i think the moment has passed on that one don't you?', One by one in dribs and drabs flames began to appear in the fighting cocks line,almost appologeticaly  illuminating the beach and the two sides on it. 
(Sgt Hoff on Trevor between the spear units)
(Ginger leading the bows)

The confusion on the faces of the raiders turned to anger as they took in the scene before them. In place of an empty beach and an easy, sleepy town to plunder they were faced with a line of armed men!.
('Big' Bear Maloy leading the horse known as 'The rampant Cocks!')

 A brute of a man from within their ranks stepped forward, his beard speckled grey, his armor inlaid with gold and gems. he lifted a wicked and ornate battle axe and yelled 'Ranks ya bastards, get in ya bloody ranks, these clowns are goonie whish theys nevva stood before the likesa us!'. Quickly his men formed up into three warbands of neatly ranked lines. with a clunk of wood on wood they locked shields.

 'Oh yes' replied Hoff with a shout, 'very impressive, of course you are outnumbered, you have no horse and you have your backs to the sea. May i suggest you use your boats to kindly, if you don't mind of course, piss off and leave the good people of  Sandycrece alone'. The leader of the raiders stepped forward and hollered a reply, 'we maybe oot numbered an' we may have nay horse but we doo have thus' as soon as he finished Hoff could see something moving at the back of the enemy line, something big.....no wait, massive....and shiny....and wet. It was moving, being dragged up the beach by rope lines it seemed to struggle against. At least ten, no twelve thick set northmen were struggling to get the...er.....thing, what was it?, it looked like a....no wait it was...A GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB!!!!. 
(Pound shop special for Sgt Hoff!!)

The leader of the raiders stepped forward again. 'Noo theres one more thing ta say'. 'Whats that my good man? ' Replied Hoff. The big raider lifted his axe and smiled. 'CHARGE!!!'.


 The line of Northmen followed the order and ran screaming up the beach, somehow keeping formation as they came. The Fighting Cocks archers let fly at Gingers command but still they came on!.

Bear trotted forward for a better view of the line, he struggled to hold back a smile when he saw the raiders colours. 'White an' bloo, Clan bloody Mallarch, those bastards gonna get whats commin at last!' he said to himself. He flung his arm back towards the Rampant Cocks, 'Hold now bhoys, wait for tha word an we'll mince these arseholes!'.


As one the raiders came to an abrupt halt before the Cocks line. Their leader stepped forward and spat on the sand at his feet. He looked Sgt Hoff in the eye and shouted 'SEE YOUZ YA SOUTHERN PANSY, WHY NOT COME DOON HERE AN' SEE IF YOUZ IS UP TA FACIN ME MAN TA MAN, OR ARE YA SHITTIN IT BACK THERE BEHIND YA GIRLY FRIENDS?'. Sgt hoff lowered his visor. 'Well im not having that, hes gone and got my dander right up and no mistake!, come Trevor, lets teach this scallywag some blimming manors!'. With that Hoff charged!.


And despite suffering a glancing blow cleaved a bloody streak into the big norsemans gut!. The raider fell on the sand, now crimson from his blood. He looked up at Hoff one last time and grinned, he then slumped motionless on the beach. Elated from his victory Hoff looked at the enemy line. They seemed quite a bit closer than they were a moment ago!
 'Cripes and Lummie!!!!'

 Wasting no time he raised his axe and swept his arm forwards, the sign for the Fighting Cocks to....

CHARGE!!!!!!!

The charge was devastating, the norsemen were thrown back in disorder by the rampant cocks and the warband on the left routed in the face of the charge.
'Right thats us away eh?'

The warriors facing the GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB however took heavy losses and beat a tactical retreat!.
While he was turned in his saddle directing the mele strong hands grabbed Hoff around the waist and dragged him from Trevor!, Hoff hit out wildly at his attacker drawing blood. He turned to see the raiders banner bearers blade strike him in the head!, shocked and surprised Hoff fell back onto his rump, his final thought being 'here we go again!' as the raider ran him through!.

The end of a hero!!.
The raider raised the banner with a cheer, however his joy was short lived as a peed off Trevor turned his back on him and delivered a swift kick!, the banner fell to the sand along with its bearer as a smug Trevor trotted off!.

 Seeing the GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB massacre the warriors Bear drew his sword. 'Right ya over grown bottom feedin bastard yous gonna be feedin a whole lotta cocks the night!!, Get the butter lads its crab for breakfast!'. With that he charged headlong at the beast!.

 Meanwhile, Ginger had seen his Sargent fall!. With tears filling his eyes and rage in his heart he pounded down from the dunes to defend his body.
Over on the other side of the battle bear was getting the best of the GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB which decided to scuttle off in the direction of the shoreline. Bear grabbed at a rent in his side the Crab had torn in him with one of its wicked pincers and waved a hand at the rampant cocks. 'Go on lads, take the big wanker doon!!'. As one man the horse charged towards the crab as it scuttled away from the torch light!.
'ere Steve is thousand island sauce really just ketchup and mayo?'

 As the battle turned both Bear and Ginger charged into the mele between the warriors and the last surviving warband, sending the final northmen running back down the beach!.
And with that the battle was over. The surviving cocks removed their helmets and sunk into the sand to try to gather themselves together. With a whoop the Rampants rode back to the line dragging a very dead GIANT MAN EATING SEA CRAB behind them. Most of the men were laughing and joking, relief evident in their tone, all but the youngest of their number who walked slowly up the beach to where the body of Sgt Hoff was sprawled. Ginger gently lifted his lifeless head and removed his helm, he stroked his cold sweat soaked hair with tenderness fighting back tears. Bear came up along side him, placed his gigantic hand on the young squires shoulder. There they remained in silence while around them one by one the rest of the Fighting Cocks slowly gathered in the waning torch light to pay their respects to their fallen leader.  


 Well thats that project knackered then!!.

......'till next time!........

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Today in Crivenshire



Its spuday the 27th of meatember, in the year of our gods 1354, its almost sundown, its time for;


And heres your host;
Lead anchor Barron Stemphage Ramsholme

co anchor Miss Cravenlly Cabbes

Roving reporter Tweek Mincelley (Dropsey free since a week last smudgeday)

                                        And not forgetting Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport!






Heres whats happening where you are........TODAY!.

'Hello, my names Barron S Ramsholme, and this is what happened upon this day.
It has been confirmed that the entire royal line were indeed murdered!, the death of the entire line of succession upon the traditional feast of stCackendale has been confirmed by the sheriff of Crivenshire to have been caused by a poisoned pudding!!, heres Miss Cravenlly Cabbes with the details, Miss Cabbes'.

  'Ooooo fank oo Barron R, it as been confermed by royal tasters 'at a poisoned Damson Duff were all to blame for fha nasty deafs. It were found to be laced wiv a 'eavy dose of a substance called 'fha yawnin' deaf' also called 'fha watermaker' which targets fha tummy and arse. It turns out fhem royals actually pooed emselves to deaf!. Fha hunt for all them what were 'sponsable as begun in earnest but fha sheriffs men ave so far......got nuffin to go on!!!!'.


  'Thank you Miss Cravenlly, gives a whole new definition to 'throne room'. So with no successor what happens now?, we sent Tweek Mincelley to find out, we are now going over live to Crivins Castle where the aforementioned is waiting with a special report. Mr Mincelley can you here me?'.



 'Yes Barron i can hear you loud and clear, as i stand here upwind among the many vegetable tributes of half chewed turnips and potatoes and the odd dead rat left in touching rememberance here at the main gates of Crivins Castle it appears the royal record keepers have been toiling night and day to work out what should occur to resolve this unprecedented issue. Never before has there been a dearth of royalty. No successor means no King which of course means no successor!. Its anarchy Barron, pure flippin madness!!. However i can now conform that the head legislator has found an ancient law for such an occurrence!, its known a..'
'Can you tell us what this law is called Tweek?'.
'Yes, yes Barron i can indeed conform it is known as Wazzcocks law and it dates back to the first kings, it states that, and im quoting here, er, 'Do notte be allarmmede if upone ye deathe of yonder monarch no sucessor shalle to be founde, calle forthe ye earls to determine as one manne the next ammonge theme to rule'. So it appears th'
'It seems the law is stating that the existing earls shall decide which of them will be the new king'.
...'quite right Barron, it shall be the earls th'
'The earls will be the deciders of the crown, thank you Tweek'.
'Tweek Mincelley there, reporting from the capitol, nice to see him free of the pink eye aye Cravenlly?'.
'Cerainly is Barron, ees quite the looker under all that puss!'.

Also in the happenings today; Miss Cravenlly?.'

 'Fhank oo Barron. fha King of Douchmark is still surchin for fhat rebel rabble leader Lucas Bitchenmarken, oos writings on fha foodal system and fisical equalitee between fha rich and fha poor as gon an caused several violent peasant uprisins. It is beleived fha dissident fholosefa was spotted fleein on a skiff offa fha east coast an could be edding fhis way, the king of Douchmark as stated ee will 'kick fha ooly shit out a any nation fhat would ide such a melovolant turd as Bitchenmarken.'
                                               
                                       Bitchenmarken, an artists impression, keep them peeled folks.

  'Ee looks like a lovely batato. Also in fha occurrences its been almost two monfs since fha dissaperence of Lady Grace Ballant from Ballant Keep. Eer farva Lord Ballant as promised free undred gold marks for...'

..'IM SORRY I'LL HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF THERE MISS CRAVENLLY, WE ARE GOING BACK TO TWEEK WITH SOME BREAKING NEWS, TWEEK'
'Thank you Barron, yes exciting news indeed, i have been given a statement from the estate of Glinric Pallenbrooke, the 26th Earl of Crivenshire. it reads th..'

'Exciting indeed what does it say tweek?'
'...yes thank you Barron, it reads thus:
       'During this time of national mourning and sadness it is clear that we need strong leadership to ensure we keep moving forward in the selection process of the next king. No one misses the last king with his harsh but fair taxation laws and fondness for tourture more than myself but it is essential we move in the right direction. With this in mind i, Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Royal Crivenshire here by name myself king in the interim, to rule while a perminant monarch is to be found. my first act as king is to set a date for the election of the new king, which will be held five years today, the 27th of meatember, the year of our gods 1359'.
'This means that the earl of..'
'The earl of Crivenshire has named himself temporary king!, thank you tweek. Tweek Mincelley, live from the royal seat. Here's Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport. Spldgeerton'.

'A thank you Barron..errrm...its been an exciting day in the 157th annual..errrm....'kick the inflated badger corpse between two villages while people beat the hell out of each other cup'...eerm....So far Latherfordde in-unison lead Knottesridge never-academicals 7 deaths to 4...errrm.....the badger has been burst and trampled underfoot during the first half...errm.....leading to some first rate pummeling by...errm....the Leatherfordde back 28, although  Knottesridge did have a late stabbing ruled out for offside. It looks to be Leatherfordde's game with sundown fast approaching...errm...however the after game punch up between the teams...eerrm....will be worth sticking around for...errrm....'

'Thank you Spludgeerton. well thats the happenings for today, join us upon the morrow for more. Until then its a fond good bye from me, Barron Stemphage Ramsholmeme and the rest of the Crivenshire news team....goode night!'.