Monday, 2 December 2019

The battle of Phlemm Valley (again)

Right, this might be a long one so i will be cracking on. This post will contain an apology, some music and a (gosh darn honest to goodness) battle report! that order!.

  First i need to apologize to not only you fine people but to my inner gamer himself (he's a twat but....). Why?, well this is the first time i have got minis on the table for a game since sodding JANUARY!!!!. Yep, you read that right, i have done zero, none, nada, fu*k bloody co*king all gaming for almost a blimmin year!!. I am now sorting myself out!!. More games will follow (im sure.....ish...). For this i am sorry.

  Right next:

  I reckon that'll about do it!.

And now........


  The following is taken from the book 'What do you need two wannabe kings for?' by the esteemed hispurian Dr Phillip Ostenhousensen and is produced without permission, mostly because hes dead (kidding):

    ......'And so Tuttinghammeshire marched to the border, the Earls declaration of war spurring on several Lords to rally their troops to strike the enemy under the command of Sir Physs. In reply the King in the interim, one Glinric Pallenbrooke also raised his armies and ordered mobile scouting groups to patrol the border fearing a probe from the enemy would be imminent....he was right. On the morn of the 2nd day of the war a mobile Force under the control of Sir Plantah advanced to secure the sheltered valley of Phlemm, a little trodden area between the two shires, it was from here Tuttinghammeshire planned to move in force but first they had to secure and fortify the Valley to serve as a staging post for the action to come. It would have been plain sailing had not one sir Finnagree the clenched and his mobile patrol spotted their movements and although outnumbered moved to head them off. Sir The Clenched sent messages to all surrounding forces to raise some support, the call being answered by one sky captain Sir Crowsfell. Crowsfell moved with all haste to the aid of the mobile force...but would he arrive soon enough?.'

    Yep that just about sums up the situation.

First some important information about the valley itself:

Phlemm Valley, worth fighting for??!.

   The valley is situated to the south of the Crippled Jaw Mountins on the border between the two warring shires. It runs parallel to and about fifteen miles from the far more popular Clemm valley, a popular trade route complete with services and camping areas. As such Phlemm Valley is little used except by those not wanting to be known to be travelling. It was for this reason it was chosen by Sir Plantah for his probe. The valley does have some points of interest that proved to be important as the battle went on. They are marked on the picture above:

a: Douchee pass (on the left hand side). A key route linking the valley with Clemm, the road between the two being a key path for smugglers and other ner'do wells. It was here that Sir Crowsfell and his relief force made his entrance.

b: The abbey of the brothers of Sir Dagnabbitt. The abbey was built by one Abbot Kligger and is staffed by his three brothers (who also insist on being abbots rather than more common brothers...and are bigger than Kligger). It is said that it was built after Kligger was visited by a vision of Sir Dagnabbitt on the morn after an especially violent pickled egg and turnip wine session, the spirit of the long dead monk appearing through the fugg to order Kligger to build the abbey and bring his message to the people of the valley. Kligger enlisted his brothers and set to work, failing to realize the valley was actually unpopulated. To this day he secretly wonders if he caught the right name of the valley in which he was ordered to build.

c: The Shpitty river bridge, owned by Flowthru crossing co. The bridge is situated to be a link between the valley and the small trading towns to the south east of the mouth of the valley. As with all of the Flowthru co's Bridges it is staffed by a single old Spinster and a small army of vicious and highly trained toll recovery cats. The co always choose only the bitterest spinsters to staff its facilities, training them in the use of shame via the use of the acid tounge to disarm and discourage all that cross into paying their frankly astronomical tolls. It is said the withering stare and sharp barbs of a trained Flowthru employee can strip tack from a horse at 3oo yards!.

  These important points provided the objectives the Fossestershire force wished to control to assure they would be able to use the valley to launch further attacks.

The Forces;

Sir Plantahs probers of the Valley
You will need to click on the picture to read the blatherings within (sorry). It is worth noting that two Irregular companies were mounted in the Whippit and two in the Baluga.

Sir Finnagree the Clenched's border patrol:
Again click to make head or tail of it, the two Irregular foot are mounted within the Whippit.

Sir Crowesfell's relief force:

As before, the Irregulars begin the game within the Baluga.

 I am using a (still being) adapted version of G.W.'s old epic rules for this game. Both the Tuttinghamme force and Sir the clenched's troops began the game off table, moving on on the first turn under advance orders. Sir Crowsfell would turn up at the start of a random turn through Douchee Pass. Victory went to the side that controlled most objectives (pass, abbey and bridge) at the end of 5 turns.

The chuff of steam engines could be heard above the birdsong as the sun rose above the eastern ridge of the Valley, bringing both sides into battle. From the south the Crivenshire force advanced as one.

Crivenshire arrive into the Valley.

To the northern edge the grumpy Tutters roared!
 A partly mechanized force in the center.
 Air attack troops hugged the western hills.
While a fast attack force headed for the Pass.

 The forces close.

 The Tuttinghammeshire Whippit fired some pot shots at the distant enemy lines.
Taking out the Crivenshire Ferrets before they can get a shot away!. First blood to the north!!.

  Turn 2 begins with further advances from both forces, racing to claim the objectives.
 The Crivenshire Whippit sped up to the Pass, its passengers jumping out to secure the objective. The covering fire of the t.a.n.k and its supporting light horse wiping out the advancing Tutters!.
Not to be outdone near the Abbey a withering hail of fire from the Tuttinghammeshire Whippet and its disembarking irregulars cut down the opposing cavalry force barreling towards them!.

The bridge is soon secured by the Tuttinghammeshire airborne troops!.

The third turn begins with a cheer from the Crivenshire forces as the S.S Lady Enid E appears through the pass!

And drops his troops in the center of the valley to oppose the forces at the bridge.
Turn 3.

 Air Crivenshire wastes no time in destroying the troops holding the bridge, but in the background the Saucy Jack comes about...

Around the field Crivenshire have some successes:

But for every enemy they kill...

Tuttinghamme reply in kind!.

As the battle draws to a conclusion a dog fight breaks out by the bridge

Both Beluga airships landing hits on each other spelling doom for both!.

And the KES prove their worth by finishing the Crivenshire resistance.

The situation as the battle ends.

  So a victory for Tuttinghammeshire!, 

  I cant believe its been so long since i played a game...what a tool!. Well thats the campaign well and truly kicked off!. What will Crivenshire do now the north have invaded, how  will the other shires react?, will i remember to draw some O.F.F.S cards next battle?! find out these things and more next time when we play more:

  Before i pop off i want to give a hearty Wronghammer Hello and welcome to the chaos to Wouter Wolput and Airbornegrove26.  Mr 'grove26 writes the brilliant Give 'em Lead blog, check it out its great. I cant see a blog listed for mr Wolput but then i'm rather behind on these things so if you blog sir please feel free to pop a link in the comments so we can check it out.....

....'till next time....

Sunday, 17 November 2019

How not to organize national defence....a guide.

2 posts in one day, you unlucky, unlucky people!.

But as is tradition, first:

Sometimes you just have to stick to the classics.

So further to the post i did earlier today, and the few last week this is also to set up my upcoming (yet revisited) campaign:

 Before i play the first battle it occurred to me that the ideas i had when building the forces for this landthatlivesinsidemyhead should be shared in order to give you some clue as to what i was on about. So without further ado here is a brief guide into the make up of a typical Olde Albilande army.

A typical (if large) Crivenshire force.

 First an overview. A typical shire army is made up of mostly 'volunteer' troops banded together into companies funded and organised by the upper crust of that shire. In Crivenshire this is the lower nobility, engaged in a kind of 'my company is bigger than yours' battle, they often take the name of the bloke bankrolling them to further 'massage' his ego. In Tuttinghammeshire its often the local business community that build the shires defense forces, the shire being made up of four smaller shires (Tuttinghammeshire, Wazzockshire, Divertonshire and Lumoxshire) the name of that shire always features large on the banner. In Berkshire its local business again doing the funding but most often using them as a promotional tool (for example 'The 2nd 'makeyougo' laxative company irregulars). Ruckinghammeshire is slightly different as the 'firms' that control different areas of the shire also control the troops, they will bear the firms name and be representing them rather than the shire (e.g. the 5th Cripplem Firm legbreaker boys). These troops are often referred to as Irregulars due to their semi-professional status and differing levels of training, also because the the standing army are known as regulars, so the name irregular would follow. On the field most Irregulars form up as pike and shot troops, being the current military fashion, where they do try bless 'em.
Richer (or flasher) backers insist on fielding cavalry. The current fashion for which being mixed groups of pistol armed horsemen supporting close order lancers. The two working together to attack with close range shots to soften up the enemy before the lancers hit home. It is also quite common for a not quite so rich backer to create light cavalry groups, fighting in loose formation and using their pistols and carbines to harass the enemy before riding to safety. Some backers will even set up artillery teams, training them way outside town boarders ready to bring long ranged death to the enemy of the shire.

   Alongside the Irregulars a small standing army of trained troops are always maintained by the royal family. These troops, known as regulars are proper pro soldiers, highly drilled and with nerves of steel. The various regular companies are revered by the locals, their reputation going before them. They are posted in barracks all around the shires to represent a reminder of the power of the king before the local lords. In battle the irregulars are bolstered by the presence of these tough, grim faced killers. In peace times they form a peacekeeping force and a back up to the local law enforcement types loyal to the king in each shire. Since the unfortunate events at Crivens castle the Regulars in each shire have found that the command structure from which they are organized no longer exists, meaning the regulars from each shire, being raised from local men have joined up with the local powers that be to fight for their cause in the coming war. In battle the regulars either fight on foot in well drilled pike and shot formations or as tightly ordered mounted lancer brigades, used as shock troops to smash the enemy lines.

  Speaking of lancers it is common for the shires nobles and well to do types to have their sons and nephews trained as lancers. These dashing 'ego on a horse' types place their faith in a sharp sword, a well polished lance and fine facial hair to win the day (and the hearts of as many lower born girls as they can get away with bedding before a scandal is caused). On the field they are employed as line breakers and shock types, charging into a hail of enemy lead with  lances dipped and a devil may care attitude!.

  Ever since the times before its settlement and subsequent civilizing the land of Olde Albilande has been home to a race of giants. Most of these huge but slow witted creatures were hunted down and killed by the early settlers but some survived, mostly in the most far flung and inhospitable areas. As the shires grew and the need for beasts of burden grew the giants were lured back to dwell with humans and to fill the roll in many building and agricultural projects. Now giants are common, working on farms and in towns, although they are not allowed the same rights as normal humans. They are also valued in the less savory industries as hired muscle and 'bodyguards'. The shires often field small groups of giants as line breakers and tank busters, their great strength, natural good humour and capacity for alcohol consumption  making them surprisingly good soldiers. 

   In recent years warfare has been revolutionized by the invention of the tracked arsehole neutralization kontraption (T.A.N.K for short), which have been mass produced by the Pike company of weaponsmiths. The new tech utilizes the new fangled steam engine designed by the (some would say mad) genius Leonard Dubruinvinchi and has been said to be the future of warfare. The Pike company's patented line has been rolled out across the shires and although largely untested have proved popular. One small issue has been in the make up and training of crew forcing some large scale changes to the t.a.n.k.s design. A crew originally comprised of a number of Drivers, gunners, loaders, stokers and general mechanical types as required for the machines size and roll. However after the formation of the tank crews union the crew have grown to include a union rep, health and safety staff, fire safety officers, first aid teams , H. R. departments and at least one fully functioning staff canteen. Now all shires field a small number of these land ships within their forces. At present the designs available are:

The Fossridge Ferret
  A small scale tank used for small scale actions. Operating in teams to hunt enemy horse and worry infantry formations.

The Stifferiton Stoat
  Another small tank but slower and heavier than the ferret. Used to hunt harder targets and support infantry the Stoat is often used to soften up the enemy before the lines clash.

The mk2 Wollabridge Whippet
  The whippet is a large t.a.n.k. used for transportation of troops and close support. Its large engine helps it traverse any battlefield at a fair old lick and its large capacity allows even large troop formations to be rapidly redeployed.
Stoats and Whippets support the Crivenshire irregular horse.

The Huthforde Heifer
 The big boy of the range the Heifer is designed for firepower and stickability. It is far from the quickest but its thick armour and huge arsenal of weapons make it ideal for armour busting and troop support roles.
A pair of Tuttinghammeshire Heifers

 Air Support is the most recent and fashionable aspect of warfare in Olde Albilande after  Dubruinvinchi perfected his design for the 'air ship', consisting of a massive armoured balloon filled with rather volatile gas driven by an over sized version of his steam engine. These machines are capable of transporting troops around the field as well as filling the role of mobile firing platform when required.

A tuttinghammeshire air ship attacks a Crivenshire mobile force.

  These are the forces fielded by most of the shires. There is some deviation in Ruckinghammeshire and total deviation in Lamavic but there we go. Each shire also contains some troops unique to them which will be explored at a later date (when this 'writer' can be arsed). Hopefully now when i start banging on about whippet deposited irregulars with mobile stoat support it will make a little bit of sense!. Now, on to the battle!.......

.........'till next time.....

Rules of campaign

Thats right, i am almost at that 'go' stage for a new campaign (yay). But before i go into all that....

Quick riddle: What am I?, I am both crunchy and Bouncy and am best enjoyed in roughly half hour bursts?'


....want the answer?.........It'll be this lot:

  Right, to the piffle!.

Below are the rules i intend to follow (and then later replace once i actually try them) when doing the 'grandscalebitsbetweenbattles' in my next campaign:

I have almost totally nicked the ideas for the campaign from the rather clever Peter and his ECW campaign hes playing over on his very, very, very good blog. The Campaign will be map based. I have cobbled together a map, here after referred to as ye mappe of the warring crap hole known as Olde Albilande:

 A war!.

The four shires (and Lamavic) will be the protagonists for the bloodshed to come, each shire is marked on the map with boarders in its own colour :
Crivenshire in blue.
Tuttinghammeshire in Black (their normal grey just wont show up well enough).
Berkshire in green.
Tuttinghammeshire in red.
Lamavic in yellow.

The main boarders between the shires are defined by double broken lines. Each shire is split into regions as shown by the single broken lines. In the campaign the war will be fought to gain regions from the opposing side. The two main opposing sides will be Crivenshire and Tuttinghammeshire, they are the biggest shires which each have 6 regions. Ruckinghammeshire, Berkshire and Lamavic are considered to be minor shires which may or may not join the war and will ally with one of the main shires when (if) they do so. This will allow me an easier ride when trying to actually run the thing!.
 The war will be fought over 5 years, each year is split over 6 game turns. The campaign will end when either one of the main shires have no regions left or when the 5 years is up, in which case the main shire (and allies) with the most regions will be considered to be the victor.

The game turn:
  A single turn will work as follows:

1: Tuttinghammeshire (as they are said to have started the war by attacking first) roll 1d10, on a score of 4+ they will attack an enemy shire. To do this they will pick 1 enemy shire adjacent to one of their own. A battle will then be fought over the region. If Tuttinghammeshire win the battle control of the region switches to them, if they loose the region stays under enemy control.

2: Crivenshire roll 1d10, on a score of 4+ they will attack an enemy shire. To do this they will pick 1 enemy shire adjacent to one of their own. A battle will then be fought over the region. If Crivenshire win the battle control of the region switches to them, if they loose the region stays under enemy control.

3: The steps detailed in 1 & 2 are repeated by any minor shires that have entered the war. They will do this in the order in which they joined.

4: Any minor shires yet to join the war roll 1d10. On a roll of 8+ they will join the war, this roll is modified by +1 for any battle fought over a region on their boarder that turn. If a shire joins in this way roll 1d10, on a roll of 1-5 They will join Tuttinghammeshires forces, on a 6-10 they will join Crivenshire. This roll is modified by -1 for each Tuttinghammeshire held region on their boarder, and by +1 for each Crivenshire held region on their boarder. Only one Minor shire will join on a single turn, once one joins that's it until step 4 next turn. 

Minor Shires
   The minor shires of Ruckinghammeshire, Berkshire and Lamavic each have 3 regions that behave in the same way as those of the main shires. Also once the shire has joined a side their armies will be mixed as they re-enforce each other and fight together. This means you can field troops from any allied shire in the same force when fighting a battle (which will allow for some truly epic battles as things heat up!). Once a minor shire has lost all of its 3 starting regions to the enemy roll 1d10. On the roll of 5+ they become vassal troops to the enemy and will now fight along side them!. In such a case they will suffer a morale penalty on the table!. Otherwise they are out of the campaign! (i may try to come up with a way they can become some kind of resistance fighters or something).

A lovely boat trip
   If a shire wishes it can attack any enemy held coastal region that is no more than 4 regions away from one of its own coastal region along the coast by sending a war fleet their way!. It will do this rather than attacking an adjacent region.

Heres Ye Mappe at the start of the war with the main shires regions occupied:

The minor shires regions will become active only when they join and cant be attacked until they are active.

   Ah the real reason for doing all this!. Battles will be fought using my hybrid (and still a work in progress) 2mm rules which have been roughly based on these rules. Before a battle is fought both sides will draw up their orders of battle (more details later) and draw a random OFFS* card, once drawn the card is applied in the appropriate way and discarded once the battle is over. The card idea is again borrowed From Peter, his for his ecw campaign are very probably more historically accurate than mine, but i thought i could use the idea to provide another way to flesh out the narrative of the setting and the battle in a quick easy fashion. Some of the OFFS cards will have a large impact, hampering one side or the other but as i am playing solo (and in no way seriously!) it should be ok. Heres the fancy and very posh notatallthrowntogetherbyadichhead OFFS cards:

Also mixed in the deck are some small mercenary and allied forces you may field once the card has been drawn, in which case they will fight for the drawing force for the rest of the campaign (until they don't!). Again they are there to add character to the setting:

Here be a wee teaser!.

 And finally heres ye mappe at the start of year 1 turn 1, with Tuttinghammeshire attacking Crivenshire to get things started!:

The arrow indicates direction of attack.

Next stop the battle of Phlemm Valley!............

........'till next time........

*Oh for fu*k sake.

Sunday, 10 November 2019

Nowt but hot air

Just a quick update as i have been prepping towards the upcoming campaign, but first:

Another band that deserve far more attention than they get, give the awesome 'Dirt' a go if you want something a little heavier.

Right, update...yes...update, thats what i was up to. Right first off i have received delivery of some very cool new toys, some i have been itching to get hold of ever since i first decided to return to this project. As soon as i got my grubby hands on them i rushed to get them prepped and painted:


 These are from the dystopian wars range, i found them on ebay so not too sure about manufacturer etc. They are rather nice though, and fun to paint. These should be all i need for the forces i am building, but you know how it is, i'm bound to be getting more at some point!. Here's some more pics:

Another shot of the 'fleet', it kind of makes me want to do a racing game with them.

As far as in the game i want them to be shooty yet a bit fragile,  i also want them to be able to ferry troops around the battle field, making pike blocks more mobile.

Crivenshire Troops are dropped into action to storm the rear of a Tuttinghammeshire fire base!,

Vessels from Ruckinghammeshire and Berkshire attempt to capture the vile Sky Pirate captain Devon 'alf plank' Diverton and his scurvy crew.

 One thing to note should you pick up any of these is the bases supplied are not the best fit, you need to use a knife to bore out the stand to take the rod bit. I found this out the hard way by snapping a base on the first attempt.
Air Lamavic and improvised base.

Tuttinghammeshire 'death from above' brigade prepare to ambush a Crivenshire force.

  The other thing i have been all up to is finishing the third shire for the campaign:

 Enter Ruckinghammeshire, 'Ere, wot tha fahuk you fink your gawpin at??!!!'. (nice chaps!).

One of the nice things about 2mm is the fact that the whole force was finished in 2 days (one to prep, base and undercoat and one to paint and finish).

  I have also been thinking up a load more bits and bobs to make the campaign even better, one of which is to create several mercenary forces to join up with (and turn on) the main forces, should be a fun way to add more colour and flavour to the setting.

Oh and i missed Radio Wronghammer last time out (i know, i know) so here's some Tim Minchin by way of apology!

I wont let it happen again, i promise.......

....'till next time......