Friday, 31 March 2017

Peewee's progress (prologue)

Just noticed its been a while!. First of all i apologize for the wait between posts, its been a mix of work getting busy, job hunting and i also have a dose of flu that would fell a rhino!. I write this with a fever and more than a little delirious so this may not make much sense (but whats new?). I am also aware i have promised one Mr Maudlin Jack Tar that this post will contain a large dollop of elephant!. Always up for a challenge!.

'What do you mean hes escaped, how has he escaped, his pen was made of 2 foot thick oak planks, i know hes got a bit bigger than when we found him but really'. King Pharrus looked accusingly at all the advisors that had come to break the bad news to him. 'Does some one want to explain how he managed to escape?, did he jump over the walls, did he grow wings and fly?'. ' Well my lord' started Mallagor, the kings own house wizard 'do you recall your plan to lace cabbages with my special potion of bezerkness and general random violence?', he asked in his usual measured tone.'Well yes' replied the king.'And do you remember the idea to stockpile these cabbages in case of a time of war to create an army of mad,frothing loonies from the local militia?'. 'Yes, yes get to the point for gods sake' answered the king. 'And do you remember you ordered us to store them in the shed behind the animal feed store?, you said there was no way anyone would get mixed up between the two?'. 'Yeesss' the king replied, the penny beginning to drop. 'And sire, do you recall your decision to replace the old master of the royal menagerie with blind Tim, the kingdoms most easily confused man?'. 'Yes' Answered king Pharrus, fearing what was coming next. 'Well, you are never going to believe this one sire,  but Tim only went and got the two stores mixed up and come feeding time, he only went and fed a large number of drugged cabbages to Peewee, causing him to , well, sort of, charging through the walls of his pen and stomping into the royal stores!'. 'You mean to tell me that Blind Tim fed the cabbages to my little peewee!' shouted the king. 'It appears so sire, and he went on to smash into the royal stores, eating many of the enchanted jewels within.....including the Evenstone' Replied Mallagor. King Pharrus held his head in his hands. 'THE BLOODY EVENSTONE, THE SIGN OF RULERSHIP, THE VERY THING ON WHICH MY RIGHT TO RULE THIS POXY KINGDOM IS BASED.....'FOR IT IS WRITTEN, WHOEVER HOLDS THE EVENSTONE WILL HOLD THE RIGHT TO RULE REMEMBER. AND YOU MEAN TO TELL ME ITS IN THE GUTS OF A RAMPAGING BLOODY MAMMOTH!'. King Pharrus slumped back into his throne. 'That is about the size of it sire', said Mallagor. 'I want him caught and the Evenstone restored do you understand me, whatever it takes do it, JUST GET THAT BLOODY STONE BACK!'. Mallagor shuffled nervously, 'bit of an issue there my lord, none of the guards are too keen know...tackle the beast it its current condition'. 'And why is that?, im their king Mallagor or have they forgotten?, if i order them to hunt and kill peewee they will bloody well do so!'. 'Well sire the cabbages had some side effects during testing remember?' said Mallagor wringing his hands. 'What, oh,oh yes ...the unpleasantness' recalled King Pharrus,  a look of distaste on his face. 'Yes sire, the, er, issue, the laxative quality.'. 'Tell me Mallagor' said the king fixing the wizard with a glare 'How many cabbages did Peewee actually eat?'. ' or so my lord', replied Mallagor uncomfortably. 'And what effect is that likely to have on the digestive system?'. 'Well its difficult to say, it will greatly speed it up, the word explosive springs to mind'. 'So let me get this right, the evenstone is in the guts of a angry mammoth that is god knows how far away by now and is shitting like there's no tomorrow. In all probability my evenstone is lying who knows where in a pile of mammoth dung!'. 'Er yes sire, thats about it. King Pharrus jumped of his throne and grabbed Mallagor by the lapels 'I DONT CARE HOW YOU GET MY STONE BACK BUT GET IT BACK YOU SHALL, WORD TRAVELS FAST AND MY ENEMIES WILL BE MORE THAN WILLING TO WADE THROUGH SHIT TO RULE IN MY PLACE. I DONT CARE WHO YOU USE OR WHAT YOU DO JUST GET IT DONE O.K.!. King pharrus screamed in the wizards face. A look of panic passed over Mallagors face, he was clearly taken aback by this outburst. 'WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR...NOW!!!!'.

   O.k. well a mammoth is kind of an elephant only a bit hairier so hopefully it will do!. All that remains is to say a big hello and welcome to Mr Chico Danks the latest person to join the most exclusive club in gaming....the followers of this bumph!!. Chico is a bang up fellow who is responsible for the fantastic Oldhammer on a budget blog which i urge you all to go and check out!. Welcome mr Danks!.

Anyhoo, till next time.....


  1. Whatever drugs you have taken for the Flu are working wonders - I commend your apothecary.
    Good recommendation to the Weblog of Chico Danks too.

  2. Ta very much Mr tar, its not the drugs i would have chosen given the chance :-). Glad you found Chicos work to your liking, its an easy way to loose a day thats for sure!. Hope the mammoth was to your liking?.

  3. In my youth I remember using models of mammoths as war elephants (well strictly speaking as Mumak of Harad, as it was Lord of the Rings Fantasy wargaming) - ah, less maudlin days indeed

  4. I think when it comes to wargaming the 'chuck together what you have to represent what you need' is kind of the heart of it, we are spoiled for choice for minis these days but the youthful 'it will do' is more fun imho!. Oh and i promise the game report will be up soon!

  5. Sprinkles your world is full of fun as usual!!
    By the way if you want to try really big battles and have still your "uncertainity"of war, you should try Hail Caesar!! Commanders must give órders to his sub-divisiones, which can fail horrorly! It is for histórical but there is a fantasy adaptation

  6. I have heard good things about hail ceaser, its about time i checked them out, thanks for the recomendation and glsd you are enjoying all the sillyness!