Friday, 9 June 2017

Soloquest: Thieving BA*&$RDS!!!!!! AAR (part 2)

Welcome back to the longest running solo Heroquest game report in the world ( possibly), you cant have failed to have noticed that this is part 2 of the report, but not only is there a part 1 (found here) but also an intro come prologue thingy (which can be found here). Its best to read the prologue before part one, which means i have just put them the wrong way round.......cos im a tool.
Also after a little back and forth in the comments section in part one i have pledged to get some well known film quotes into this part of the report after a rather fun and not too serious challange from the fine and upstanding Mr Duc de Goblin and Mr Maudlin Jack Tar. They have requested i get the following in somewhere:
'you'll 'ave someone's eye out with that thing'
'Put that thing away, before you get us all killed .'
 "In my experience there is no such thing as luck" thanks gents!. If i manage to get these in i will reward myself with a cold beer after posting this!.
Right enough with the blather.....

   ........We left our 'heros' within the comfy and well lit stronghold of Dunpillagin, the home of a band of adventurers guilty of raiding and overturning the dungeon lair of Villaraxxx, a local Chaos wizard. Peeved with the constant home invasions Villaraxxx and his remaining have decided to put the boot on the other foot and are now roaming the halls, looking for revenge!. Currently the party have killed one of the foul home wreckers in the the form of the enemy wizard but need to hunt down the elf, dwarf and barbarian that continue to raid the groups' home. The party have happened across a dwarf longbeard with a bloody massive hammer who has managed to kill one of the party, the Firmir Cyglax and is blocking the path taunting our brave heros..........

'THATS 'IM DONE!' shouted the ugly old dwarf, 'LETS 'AVE THE REST O' YA!'. The party stood in shock. 'WHATS WRONG, CANT STAND UP TO OL' STUMPY AN' 'IS 'AMMER?'. As the dwarf taunted them Goretex remembered the scrap of paper he had found, he began to recite the words. 'mmhhmm, mmmm, mmhhmmhh, mhhh. All the sound seemed to get sucked from the room and time around the hulking Chaos warrior slowed to a stand still, a magical miasma appeared before Goretex which slowly took on the shape of a giant glowing man. 'WHAT DO YOU BID MASTER?' the magical being asked. 'MMHHH MHMHMH, MMMMHHH HM MMHHH!!' ordered Goretex pointing to the dwarf. 'A WEDGIE AND A CHINESE BURN?' replied the figure, 'MASTER ASKS MUCH FROM ME, BUT YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND!'. Time seemed to speed up to catch up with itself as the dwarf stood taunting the group. Suddenly he pulled a face as his feet left the ground sharply. he then gave a yell and dropped his hammer, gripping his wrist in pain. 'MMH MMMMMHHHH!' shouted Goretex and the dwarfs head was pulled from his shoulders by unseen hands and flung against the wall!. The dwarfs body slumped to the floor.
'OOOOWWWWW!!! me poor crack!!....
The party stood in shock trying to make sense of what had happened. Villaraxxx turned to face Goretex who gave a smug shrug of his shoulder pads. 'Is that an old parchment with a spell to raise a Genie by any chance?' he asked, peering at the crumpled page in Goretexes huge glove. Goretex gave a look that said 'might be'. 'Well put that thing away before you get us all massive metal bell end, leave the magic to the experts!'. Villaraxxx ignored the sobbing Snivles hunched over the corpse of Cyglax and walked over to the chest. He opened it and let out a sardonic chuckle. 'Hey lads, look' he said holding up a small glass bottle with a clear liquid inside. ' What is it boss'?' snivles asked, wiping his nose on the back of his wrist. 'Its a potion of bloody healing thats what!'. 
The party moved on to the next area of the stronghold, Coming to a door the party pulled up, cautious after the 'hammer wielding nutter' incident. 'Snivles, be a love and open that door would you' ordered Villaraxxx. The small goblin cowered away 'i..i...donts want to master, dont hurt me....its all dangerous....i dont want to be all dead like Cyglax......master please!'. All right, all right stop cringing like that....Goretex, be a dear...'. The big chaos warrior strode towards the door with his axe raided. He gave a knock and ran, pushing Snivles over on the way!. The door was opened by a flushed and rather miffed looking dwarf warrior doing up his belt.
 'What the flippin eck does you want?' he said lowering his axe at the prone goblin. For a moment Snivles lay still shaking with fear before he jumped to his feet and loosed his sling at the dwarf taking him by surprise and catching him on the temple. A look of confusion passed across the dwarfs face, he swayed for what seemed like an age before he crumpled and fell, 'Lucky shot' snapped Villaraxxx as he walked up to the goblin. 'Wellllll' began Snivles puffing out his chest, 'in my experience theres no such thing as OOWWW!!!!!!' he finished as Goretex cuffed him as he passed!. Villaraxxx entered the room. 'Look. a cupboard, i wonder whats inside?' he asked as he pulled it open. To his surprise a half naked hairy dwarf sprung out swearing loudly and swinging at Villarax, wounding him. Snivvles dived at the dwarf, running him through!. 'And you can shut up about that one too!'. snapped Villaraxxx, blushing. Snivles kicked the dead dwarf, 'i wonder what they were up oowww bossssss!!!!' he blurted as Goretex grabbed him by the ear and bundled him on. Goretex threw Snivles at the next door, splitting it to reveal.....


The elf looked round at the attackers and drew his blade. 'I thought i killed you yesterday, never mind i can finish the job now!'. He threw himself at Goretex with a girly war cry just to bounce off the breast plate of the massive hulk. Goretex buried his axe into the elf, forcing it far into his head. The elf was dead!.
'Nice one Goretex' said Villaraxxx as he stood over the elf, 'i bloody love you!'. The Chaos warrior replied with a shrug that could only say 'i know'. 'Cheeky bastard, right two more to find guys, lets get 'em'. The party smashed their way into the next room, they were met by two dwarves leveling rifles at them!, Villaraxxx and Goretex were too wound up to care and bundled into the gunners before they could fire, killing them both!
'RRRAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!.......oh look, chests!'

Opening the two chests in the room Snivles discovered a flagon of Heroic brew!, in Goretex's chest however....
A dwarf sprung from the chest, taking the Warrior by surprise and wounding him!. Angered Goretex struck the dwarf with the back of his gauntlet, the dwarf slumped back into the chest!. Quickly Snivles darted forward and locked him in. 'These dwarves are bloody mental' said Villaraxxx shaking his head as he walked.
The party moved on to the next room.'Right, if anyone sees a chest or cupboard or bloody....i dont know....bed side table...and i cant believe im saying this....check for dwarves!' ordered Villaraxxx as he opened the room.....
The room contained an archer ready to fire....and a bloody behind him!. The archer let fly, the arrow shot past the party and slammed into the wall behind them!. 'Oi' shouted Villaraxxx  'you'll 'ave someones eye out with that thing!, Goretex, if you dont mind!'. The warrior walked up to the quivering archer and lifted him of the floor, turned and flung him against the same wall his arrow was stuck in!. Before Goretex could turn the Barbarian forced his sword through his back!, Goretex staggered towards his friends. ' again..' muttered Snivles as he produced his Heroic brew and took a large swig. 'NOT LIKE CYGLAX AGAIN!!!' he screamed as he flung himself at the muscle bound warrior!. With a laugh the Barbarian side stepped the Goblin and swung his sword at him. Snivles backed off. 'Not like that you little green knob!' said Villaraxxx with a hint of disgust in his voice, He produced his own potion of strength. He downed the green liquid, wiped his mouth and fixed the Barbarian with a cold glare...'LIKE THIS!!!!' He walked towards the warrior and drew his dagger, the barbarian eyed the blade, moving his huge sword to parry. Villaraxxx used the distraction to punch the shaggy warrior full in the face and through the wall behind him!. 'Yippie kie yay moth.....oh sorry, wrong franchise!' he quipped as he smoothed his robes. Snivles attempted to pull The wounded Goretex to his feet which went as well as you would expect!.
'Right, wheres the bloody dwarf!!!.......
Snivles opened the next door to find...

A table, an archer, a dwarf warrior and.... the dwarf adventurer!. Snivles wastes no time firing his sling at the dwarf before him and hits him in the face!, the dwarf falls!, Villaraxxx charges the archer as he is about to loose at snivles, knocking him down and killing him!. Only the last adventurer remains!. 'RIGHT, I WANT A BLOODY WORD WITH YOU YOU BEARDY, CHAVVY, SCRUFFY LOOKING HOUSE BREAKER!!!!!' screamed Villaraxxx. The Dwarf raised his huge axe. 'OOS SCRUFFY LOOKIN?' he replied as he charged into the Chaos wizard, knocking him off his feet. 'NOOOO!!!!' shouted Snivles as he rushed the dwarf. 'YOU LEAVE MY MASTER ALONE!!!'. The dwarf laughed as snivles bounced off him. the Dwarf heft his axe and swung it in a deadly arc... and Snivles fell to the floor in a crumpled heap of dead!.
Poor Snivles!!!
Although still injured an enraged Goretex lumbered forward to avenge his little friend. He swung at the dwarf, connecting with a glancing blow but unable to keep his balance he stumbled forward!., the dwarf took his chance and brought up his blade under the Chaos warriors chin!.
Goretex falls!
The dwarf laughed as he pulled his axe free and strode towards the winded and wounded Villaraxxx. 'Thought you lot could be heros did ye?, hehe, thats the most stupid thing i ever 'erd, you lot are the bad guys, you only exist to give us proper heros something to kill!!', now stay still while i takes your bloody 'ed off!!!.' Villaraxxx got to one knee and pulled a potion from inside his robes. He uncorked it and took a long pull on the sticky liquid inside. 'Whatever that is, it wont save you now' grinned the dwarf as he took another step. 'Oh i think it might' answered Villaraxxx coldly as he finished his potion of healing.'You can't win Dwarf, if you strike me down i ....i....I'LL BLOODY GET YOU!' The dwarf took a step back as his mouth dropped open. The Wizards wounds began to heal up, his cuts knitted back together even his bruses vanished. Villaraxxx pulled himself up to his full height. 'YOU SMASHED UP MY HOME' he shouted pacing toward the dwarf, forcing him back. 'YOU STOLE MY STUFF' he continued as the stepped back again. 'YOU ACT AS IF YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO PUSH US AROUND!' he said as he stalked forward another step, the dwarf tried to step away but found himself against the wall. 'AND YOU....KILLED...MY.......FRIENDS!!!' he screamed as he plunged his blade into the dwarfs belly. A look of confusion crossed the dwarfs face as he slipped down the wall '......but im the 'posed......' The dwarfs head slumped forward. 'Right', said Villaraxxx. 'Wheres the bloody stairs....'

Right, i reckon its time for that beer!.....till next time......


  1. Thanks mate, the quotes made it loads of fun to write!

  2. "Laugh it up Fuzzball" should be in the next report for sure.

  3. HAHA I love it. Even a shot of a 'Die Hard' quote in there.
    Right...clearly this is too challenge...

    'Remember: short, controlled bursts...' from Aliens

    and from Star Wars..."Yeah, but who's gonna fly it kid, you?"

  4. Wow, way to ramp it up!. The next post (or two even) may go back to the mentally teraforming stuff but keep a thread going for quotes in this posts comments and i will deffo do another report with them in (if i can that is)!. Though that gives you lot loads more time to find them.....bugger!.

  5. Good, good.
    Because when I get through Aliens and Star Wars quotes, I'm starting on the 80s Heavy Metal song title challenges...

    'Run to the Hills!'

  6. Oooohhh you can bring that right on!. The family ate dinner to 'Number of the beast only this evening!.