Quite the find!

Things have taken quite an amazing turn here at Chez Sprinks and have honestly got me bouncing around the place (more than normal) with pure excitement!!. Before i get into whats causing all the glee i suppose i should do:

                                                    So thats what an estimated 1.6 million strong crowd looks like!!!.


   Now on to the good stuff!. As some of you may remember aside from mucking about the gaff with toy soldiers i also do a spot of delving into this nations fictional history, particularly the forgotten battles of the period between 1010 and 1604 that had not actually taken place and the lives of those fabricated protagonists that, errr.... protaginized them. As a member of the non accredited fictional historian club and a keen delver into the non historical i could not believe my luck when i was contacted by a dear friend and fellow histspurian  the esteemed Cedric Hamilton-Kidway (yes, the man that lifted the lid on the wool makers rebellion and the resulting 1801 sacking of Gilford no less!) who said he was sending me some newly unearthed materials dating from 1454 that had been found in Spilfington Abby on the non existent isle of Epplidge!. Now i am sure you dear reader are asking the same question i was, were these in fact the missing accounts of the so called 'Epplidge unrest', a period in nonhistory that has eluded the delvers of the mists of not time for so long?.  Well it is with great excitement i can reveal to you all that yes, they are an almost complete set of writings of the time by one Jude, a priest of the Abby who was tasked with recording the annals of the war of 1454!. The writings are very detailed giving a good idea from a non source of the whos, wheres and whens events did not occur!. I have looked through the writings in fine detail and have  had them non varified  by some of the best in the non historical community and it is my pleasure to announce to you all it has been agreed that i, with the aid of the Wronghammer plastic re-enactment  society (Wincanton mini metal chapter), can serialize the events of the 'unrest' on these pages with an aim to publishing the collected materials in book form when complete!.

 So to begin i thought i would look into the wider picture that led up to the events of 1454 as not detailed by the good Jude, a Priest. His first entry in the annals is as follows:

   'Dear diariee, 
it has beene a difficulte day here upon thee Abby, a fowle did crapee upon ones cassock  this morn when the collecting of egges was being completed, causing myselfe to steppe southwards onto a discarded rake, said implemente did swing upwards in comedic fashion and twatte ye goode Friar Bullridge betwixt yonder eyes, killing him upon the instant. The Abbot wase muchly pissed offe at such a happenstance and dothe punish myselfe fore my mishappe by forcing me to travele hither ande twine upone this goode isle to regarde ande recorde upone the unrestte emerging betwixt the goode Lordes of the mighty houses of this fair isle reguarding the publicatione of a booke containing much elicit and unsettling materials. Thee goode Abbot assures me the path aheade wille be thwart withe dangers moste real and that i am to be unswerving in my hunte fore only the truthe as it reveals itself, even to deathe most unpleasent if required. He seemed most animated on this point i doth think he dislikes me.
I hate being a priest.

This first entry in the annals gives some small clues into the reason for the friction that would not develop later in the year. The mention of a book gives a clear indication that it was not just a simple border dispute or tit for tat raid or two. This mystery text opened up a can of worms indeed, what book could cause such large scale conflict on such a semi peaceful isle such as Epplidge?. After a ruddy good delve two texts emerged as front runners, namely 'House Stones are a bunch of girly, girly swots' by famed academic Sir Norbet Collicton and 'I wish all of house T'head would die in an imaginative and painful way such as a barn fire or some such' by Mr Bitton Farrage. Both seemed fairly insulting to the Two most powerful houses on the isle and were written by members of the other house. I discussed this at length with respected members of the non history community but opinion was split. I then stumbled upon a line of text scrawled on the back of a loose leaf of writing paper wedged between the writings given to me by Hamilton-Kidway. It simply said:

DAMNE YE MRS ENTWHISTLE!'

  This was indeed a turn up. Delving into the name Mrs Entwhistle soon revealed the spark that started the trouble!. As any expert on 15th century Epplidge knows Mrs Entwistle was an author and proto-domestic godess of the time, sort of a fore runner to Mrs Beeton, Fanny Craddock, Delia Smith and Jamie Oliver. Looking into her published works (of which there are over 300!) i finally managed to pin down a likely source of the issue:

    To give this some context i must fill in some culinary nothistory. The above text refers to the most revered of British snack foods, the humble pasty. It is often wrongly believed that this dish was invented in Cornwall, this however is not the case. Its true origin goes back to 10th century Epplidge.

Further to this, its true make up is a much disputed issue that can inflame passions like no other!. The Eastern Houses claim the Pasty was invented in the town of Cluntingham. In the west they are convinced it came from Ruckingham. Further to this the pasties produced in the East of the isle are still produced in the image of the original (as the locals see it), sealing the pastry with the method known as the Cluntingham Crimp:

 The Cluntingham Crimp

  However in the rest of the isle they only ever seal the pastry along the top edge using a method known as the Ruckingham Ridgeback:

The Ruckingham Ridgeback.

 Oh and a small section swear by the Falligthorpe flatty but they are regarded to be a load of wrong 'uns by all!

move along!.....

  This may seem like an innocent passage to the modern reader but to a man of Epplidge it is either a true validation of fact from the greatest source of the period or a kick in the pastry based nethers and no mistake!.  A further passage from Jude, a Priest seems to agree:

 Dear Diaryeee,

    It has alle gone and hitte ye yonder fanne!, Mrs Entwhistle has refused to have the offending passage removed from her lateste tome and has gonne as far as stating 'you Westerners are a laode of cattle leavings withe eyes thate are too close together and eye brows that do not rightly part betwixt a meeting!, come and have a goe if ye believes ye to be hard enough!'. House T'Head have called thier banners in the west and demanded her head, Lorde Maurice of thee house has demanded it by the nexte moone moste full!. Lord Roland of House Stones has said he speekes for the easte and house T'Head can 'shove it youner!'. Oh lummy diaree, i hate being a priest!. 

  So i am sure you will agree this is quite the exciting turn up!. Next time out i will delve into the first clash of the wars, the battle of Nippletons Knowle, Also i have had a mock up of the potental book cover back from the work experience lad at the printers:

Im not sure he got the grasp of old english!?.

.....'till next time