Friday 31 March 2017

Peewee's progress (prologue)

Just noticed its been a while!. First of all i apologize for the wait between posts, its been a mix of work getting busy, job hunting and i also have a dose of flu that would fell a rhino!. I write this with a fever and more than a little delirious so this may not make much sense (but whats new?). I am also aware i have promised one Mr Maudlin Jack Tar that this post will contain a large dollop of elephant!. Always up for a challenge!.

'What do you mean hes escaped, how has he escaped, his pen was made of 2 foot thick oak planks, i know hes got a bit bigger than when we found him but really'. King Pharrus looked accusingly at all the advisors that had come to break the bad news to him. 'Does some one want to explain how he managed to escape?, did he jump over the walls, did he grow wings and fly?'. ' Well my lord' started Mallagor, the kings own house wizard 'do you recall your plan to lace cabbages with my special potion of bezerkness and general random violence?', he asked in his usual measured tone.'Well yes' replied the king.'And do you remember the idea to stockpile these cabbages in case of a time of war to create an army of mad,frothing loonies from the local militia?'. 'Yes, yes get to the point for gods sake' answered the king. 'And do you remember you ordered us to store them in the shed behind the animal feed store?, you said there was no way anyone would get mixed up between the two?'. 'Yeesss' the king replied, the penny beginning to drop. 'And sire, do you recall your decision to replace the old master of the royal menagerie with blind Tim, the kingdoms most easily confused man?'. 'Yes' Answered king Pharrus, fearing what was coming next. 'Well, you are never going to believe this one sire,  but Tim only went and got the two stores mixed up and come feeding time, he only went and fed a large number of drugged cabbages to Peewee, causing him to , well, sort of, charging through the walls of his pen and stomping into the royal stores!'. 'You mean to tell me that Blind Tim fed the cabbages to my little peewee!' shouted the king. 'It appears so sire, and he went on to smash into the royal stores, eating many of the enchanted jewels within.....including the Evenstone' Replied Mallagor. King Pharrus held his head in his hands. 'THE BLOODY EVENSTONE, THE SIGN OF RULERSHIP, THE VERY THING ON WHICH MY RIGHT TO RULE THIS POXY KINGDOM IS BASED.....'FOR IT IS WRITTEN, WHOEVER HOLDS THE EVENSTONE WILL HOLD THE RIGHT TO RULE REMEMBER. AND YOU MEAN TO TELL ME ITS IN THE GUTS OF A RAMPAGING BLOODY MAMMOTH!'. King Pharrus slumped back into his throne. 'That is about the size of it sire', said Mallagor. 'I want him caught and the Evenstone restored do you understand me, whatever it takes do it, JUST GET THAT BLOODY STONE BACK!'. Mallagor shuffled nervously, 'bit of an issue there my lord, none of the guards are too keen know...tackle the beast it its current condition'. 'And why is that?, im their king Mallagor or have they forgotten?, if i order them to hunt and kill peewee they will bloody well do so!'. 'Well sire the cabbages had some side effects during testing remember?' said Mallagor wringing his hands. 'What, oh,oh yes ...the unpleasantness' recalled King Pharrus,  a look of distaste on his face. 'Yes sire, the, er, issue, the laxative quality.'. 'Tell me Mallagor' said the king fixing the wizard with a glare 'How many cabbages did Peewee actually eat?'. ' or so my lord', replied Mallagor uncomfortably. 'And what effect is that likely to have on the digestive system?'. 'Well its difficult to say, it will greatly speed it up, the word explosive springs to mind'. 'So let me get this right, the evenstone is in the guts of a angry mammoth that is god knows how far away by now and is shitting like there's no tomorrow. In all probability my evenstone is lying who knows where in a pile of mammoth dung!'. 'Er yes sire, thats about it. King Pharrus jumped of his throne and grabbed Mallagor by the lapels 'I DONT CARE HOW YOU GET MY STONE BACK BUT GET IT BACK YOU SHALL, WORD TRAVELS FAST AND MY ENEMIES WILL BE MORE THAN WILLING TO WADE THROUGH SHIT TO RULE IN MY PLACE. I DONT CARE WHO YOU USE OR WHAT YOU DO JUST GET IT DONE O.K.!. King pharrus screamed in the wizards face. A look of panic passed over Mallagors face, he was clearly taken aback by this outburst. 'WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR...NOW!!!!'.

   O.k. well a mammoth is kind of an elephant only a bit hairier so hopefully it will do!. All that remains is to say a big hello and welcome to Mr Chico Danks the latest person to join the most exclusive club in gaming....the followers of this bumph!!. Chico is a bang up fellow who is responsible for the fantastic Oldhammer on a budget blog which i urge you all to go and check out!. Welcome mr Danks!.

Anyhoo, till next time.....

Wednesday 22 March 2017

addressing the elephant

You know, when i got back into the toy solder pushing manchilding action a few years ago i did so without some things i took for granted in my youth. For example i am married to the wonderful Mrs Sprinks, (center of my world and crochet expert to the stars!). I also have 3 wonderful (and mental) kids to be all responsible for. All this requires a degree of wage slavery during the week to ensure they have a shack to wreck and food to complain about!. Now this, i am told is adult life, and in my book its rather the bind (not the wife and kids bit obvs!). I find that my younger self would be astounded at the time he had to waste on BUGGER ALL compared to this tired and burned out shell that is sitting writing these bitter words!. So coming back into 'the hobby' i had to work out exactly what i had time to do and what i enjoyed most, i elected to be utterly selfish and please myself entirely and to do it 'my way'!. What i finally decided on can be found in the 'nonafesto' ( or 'wrongafesto if you will........god im a twat at times!) which can be found here. Some of the things that went were collecting armies only playable in one rule set (army books my arse!), being dictated to by any company as to what was cannon or 'legal' (see last brackets!) and spending silly money on hobby related bobbins (i still wont pay more than 50p per 28mm mini for example, i will kit bash anything i cant afford! ).
Now if you have read any of my previous posts you will know there is also something else that i decided to forgo in my relapse into plastic army madness......painting!. This has oft been remarked upon in many a comment on blogs and forums and is something that in the war games world is seen as a bit odd by most it seems. Now i would like to say at this point that i love painted figs that are done to a good standard, it can be amazing to see what some painters can achieve on a tiny lump of plastic/metal. I have a full appreciation for the art form (for that is what it is) and wish to in no way seem like i am anti-painting. The fact is, i just dont enjoy it, never have done.

When i first got into the hobby way back at the end of the 80s me and my mates were turning on to warhammer in a big way, white dwarf was mana from heaven and games workshop could do no wrong. I collected as much of an army an pocket money would allow ( Dark elves if your wonderin) and we all got stuck into painting are forces up ready for battle. Even at that age i loved pouring over the rule books and warhammer armies, loved writing army lists and trying to come up with fun ways the forces could meet on the table top. I enjoyed planning my next shopping spree to ogle the blisters and complete units. The idea of putting minis on the table and creating epic stories (for epic read stupid!). ....and i still love all those things. However painting just never got me. I dont know why, i just found it tedious (dont lynch me!), it never felt in any way relaxing or exciting to sit and paint. I soon realized that i was only doing so because i thought is was 'what you did', part of the 'done things' of gaming. I tried to enjoy it but always found i would rush it just to get it done. Soon enough like most teens the lure of peers, girls and 'cooler' past times dragged me away. Fast forward almost 20 years and im back at the table top only this time with more cash and a lot less time. I can finally put together the vast forces that fueled my teenage imagination and have the wisdom to house rule and bodge to fit my own template of what i want. I also remember the feeling of what was to me the 'chore' of having to paint all the minis just to be 'allowed' to put them into battle. So i simply added painting to the list of stuff im not going to worry about!.  I guess what im trying to say is i dont paint my minis for no other reason than the fact that i havent got time to spend doing something i dont enjoy, thats massively counter productive in my eyes!. And secondly, gaming is full of the right way to do stuff but also the pressure to do it the right way!, this to me is a bit silly, its a hobby after all not a day at the office!, do what you want with your toys however you wish to do it so long as it is the best way for you personally to spend your hobby time!. Have fun with your solders and game/paint/collect/build/write/lurk/window shop/and/or other  to your hearts content but remember, there is no wrong way to do it!.

good natured rant over.........anyway, till next time!

Sunday 12 March 2017

The hunt for the Rum-pum-allorey (AAR)

Well its been quite a while since the prologue but without further ado Wronghammer theater 'proudly' presents......The hunt for the Rum-Pum-Allorey part ii!!!! (part one can be found here).

'I returned to my bench where the stranger remained ,
to hear the rest of the tale of grim Greggor Bane ,
Of a young man at sail with a great beast to tame,
That his name may mean riches and glory and fame.'

'The stranger leaned close and fixed me with a stare,
and it made me on edge as his eyes held me there,
'The rest of this tale', he began 'is the truth now I swear,
for the truth is i seen it, its true i were there!'

I looked at him aghast, 'you were part of the fleet?'
he pulled at his drink and said with a wink,
'you can make up your mind i really do think,
we must get on with the rest before this place runs out of drink!'

Now it was not just Greggor that hunted the beast,
a foul witch named mallora wanted it for a feast,
for such things gave her power when parts she did eat,
and she was down to her last pair of manticore feet!,

The local tribes lived alongside the beast,
and had learned they and he could co-exist,
so long as no one awoke it at least,
so they made it their work to see it never released.

Greggor lead us on a great hunt for the monster,
and Mallora yelled at her Orcs, 'for darkness sake FASTER!,'
the locals formed up to prevent a disaster,
each looking for their own sake to contain the creature.

So through twisted trees we came on a clearing,
and Greggors fine horse took to rearin',
for against us stood savages silently sneering,
and then came the orcs whooping and jeering!,

A stand off it was at the mouth of a great cave,
Inside we could tell the beast was contained,
and we prayed to the gods this desolate place,
would be the field of glory and not just our graves!.......

So this is it!, a three way blood bath at the mouth of the cave of the Rum-Pum-Allorey!. I almost gave Dragon Rampant its first run out for this one (for i know own a copy, so am only about 6 months behind the rest of the gaming world!), but i decided to do another game of Kings of War to see if small forces worked in that rule set. I picked 3 forces of roughly 500pts, 2 used the Kingdoms of men army list and the orcs used amazingly the Orc list. I also had the beast itself which was run as a Greater Earth Elemental.

Anyway, the forces:

Greggor Banes glory hunters:

From the left: Crossbow troop, Regiment of Knights (the pink knights of death!),  Greggor Bane (General on horse),Sheildwall Regiment. (minis by strelets, zvesda and a call to arms)

Malloras' Orc horde:
Rear: 2x Orc Ax regiments, Front from left: Skulk troop, Mellora (human wizard with bane chant2 spell), Gore troop. (minis by dark alliance and ceaser)

The tribal warriors of 'shhhhh, dont wake the bloody great rampaging beast you bloody ingrates!'.
Clockwise from front center: Wizard, Sheildwall Regiment, Earth Elemental troop, 2x Bowmen troops. (minis by Hat, ceaser and games workshop).

The den of the deadly Rum-Pum-Allorey and surrounding areas (not a dining room table or anything!):
The beast is sleeping in the cave at the top of the picture, the local tribesmen are creating a defensive barrier in front of it. The orcs burst on to the scene from the left and Greggors force from the tree line in the south.
As normal i have used coloured bases for each force, Greggors force are on blue with black trim, The locals are on green with red trim and the Orcs are on black and green trim.

The beast itself is hibernating in its den, it will be awoken by excessive noise from above, at the end of each turn i will test to see if the beast wakes. To do this i will roll 1d6 and add the total number of charges executed that turn within 8 inches of the cave. If the score is greater than 6 the beast will come out of its cave and attack the closest target!, it will then charge or move toward the closest unit it can see.

The objective for the Orcs and Greggors force is to kill the beast and kill the opposition. The locals need to ensure the beast survives and drive off the enemy forces.

The action begun with the Orcs surging forward towards the defenders, the thought of the bloodletting that lay ahead (not to mention Melloras wrath) spurring them on. Greggor roared his battle cry and sounded the charge. The Orc gore riders worked round toward the flank of his force so he ordered the sheildwall to block them off. As one the defenders gave a loud(ish) sssshhhhhh!!!! and readied their weapons, the bowmen peppering the oncoming enemy with arrows.
Opening moves

Greggor urged his knights to charge the Elementals facing them, only to be rebuffed as the foe stood firm!
The Sheildwall braced against the Gore riders
The rest of the Orcs moved to engage the locals, an Ax regiment attacked the local sheidwall.
While all this went on the cave remained silent.....but that would change!. The Knights charged the Elimentals again, this time the attack was enough to fell the (super)natural foe, opening up a gap to the monsters home!. The Crossbows let fly at a troop of bowmen sending them packing!. The Orcs ganged up on the tribesmen between them and the cave, Mellora added her magic to her charges, the extra power helping the Orcs to wipe out the human scum!. Suddenly the local wizard looked quite lonely!........then the ground began to shake!.....
The knights ride down the Elementals, the cave remains quiet.......until....

Deep underground came a chilling screech, the earth rumbled and the cave shook as a sleeping beast decided it was time to complain about the bloody noise!. At the mouth of the cave the wizard stood, an incantation on his lips, lost in his own works......behind him the foul creature emerged! 
Not a morning monster!
And promptly ate the wizard!. RROOAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!

With the beast on the rampage and the local force wiped out it was a race between Greggor and the witch to claim the beast!.

Mellora spurred on her orcs, they slammed into the beast weakening it but being flung back!. The creature screamed in rage and charged the closest orc regiment killing most and scattering the rest!.

Seeing his chance Greggor attacked!.  He sped into th back of the beast while it chewed on some dead Orcs!.

With a mighty swipe of his blade he opened a deep gash in its back. The monster lurched forward, then rocked back before finally.....
TIMBER!!!!!!....(which makes a nice change from charge!).
Over the din of battle Greggors men saw the beast fall and let out a cheer!, the day was theirs!. Greggor lifted his visor and punched the air, the beast was dead!......Then, across the field his eyes met hers.
The witches eyes glowed bright jade and Greggor could not lift his eyes from hers. He began to feel warmer, he broke out in a sweat. Soon he was rending and tearing at his armour as his flesh began to burn!.
He fell from his horse with flames licking from the gaps in his plate. The witch stepped forward, and laughed. (In actual fact she used a fireball spell but thats a little boring isnt it?)

The position at the end of the battle.

'I listened engrossed to the story unfold,
and the blood in my veins began to run cold,
i looked up at my host and something occured,
'if you were there how did you get home?'

He looked in my eye and said 'its true i was their',
But which side was i on?', then i noticed his hair,
growing fast and long as he sat in his chair ,
and his eyes began to glow with a wicked jade flare,

'Oh there i was in victory,
the beast and the day belonged to me,
and now my pretty you too will see,
The fate of young Greggor when he crossed me!'

My skin felt quite pickly, i began to itch,
But the fire grew hotter and gloated, the witch,
'You are only a bar snack...... but will do in a pinch!!!'.

So ends the saga of Greggor Bane, all that remains is to say HELLO to the fantastic Paul of Pauls bods a brilliant blog full of 1:72 goodness!. Paul is the latest person to contract the madness that causes individuals to detach from all sanity and become a member of this humble blog!. Welcome sir!.

Anyway, till next time....... 


Wednesday 1 March 2017

The hunt for the Rum-pum-allorey (prologue)

On that cold windy eve i fell upon that Inn,
The rickety shack is where my story begins,
As I fought off the cold by the warm fire within,
A scarred one eyed stranger beckoned to the bench next to him.

I strode to the stranger in the corner alone,
His face dark and shadowed by the light of the moon,
He gestured me sit with fingers like bone,
and asked me for a penny for a story with a dark, sombre tone.

'A tale of great valor, of hero's unknown,
a story so gripping you'll no be let down,
a tale of the demise of a man far from home',
and he flashed me a grin, his pitch had me thrown.

I knew not what to say, unsure of all this,
Was this bloke for real?, what a load of old shi...,
but i found myself  thinking of what i could  miss,
If i passed up this  i said 'oh all right mate, go on then tell me',

He leaned in closer, his voice hushed and taught,
'This tale i do tell thee is with danger thwart,
you gave me the coin, so tell thee i ought,
hush now and listen and for fu*k sake, try to keep up'.

'Have ye heard the saga of young Greggor Bane?
His father a lord and his uncle a Thain,
Of old Lamavic, son of proud clan Malraine,
All anger and trouble and aggro and rage.

By the age of just ten he could fight off a bear,
At the slightest wrong look his great temper would flare,
His father did fear for his son lacked all care,
With the neighboring Lords and their first sons and heirs.

He would fight them for fun without any reason,
when young Greggor turned man even the greatest lords feared him,
And his father dispaired at the eve of campaign season,
For his son wished for glory, even if it meant treason!.

A plan was hatched to harness his wish for glory,
To send him a'quest before shit got gory,
So father summoned son and told him the story,
of the rare and much sought Rum-pum-allorey.

At first big young Greggor scoffed at the tale,
'Whats wrong with ye father, ye been on the ale?
But his father assured him the creature was real,
and its pelt was worth so much it would turn his boy pale.

At the scent of great riches and glory to find,
Greggor very quickly came to one mind,
'I will capture this creature and skin it alive
and come back and claim all these lands for my prize!'
'Father, give me brave men and ships meant for war,
we sail with the dawn so tally no more,
over sea and ocean we head for far shores,
just tell me where i can find this odd beast once more'.

His father said to him, 'head eastward my son,
as far as the tide and into the sun,
you will be at that shore before the next season comes,
and the Rum-pum-allorey?,  you'll hunt the last one'.
'Men i will give you and a fleet to your need,
and i will hold you the last time and wish you god speed,
for i know you will do this for fortune and greed,
to become a great man.....oh and bring me back something nice, not just some fudge that's a right bloody cop out, something exotic i can show off, you know a talking point i can show to the lads down the mead hall'.

They hugged like true men and then Greggor made speed,
and to tell you his story more coins i will need,
This tellers all thirst and needs a large mead,
so buy me a drink while of the rest'.

He sank back on his bench into the dark,
i sat there not knowing to stay or embark,
This bloke was a nutter but good for a lark,
so i thought 'sod it' and turned to the bar...................