Friday 26 May 2017

Soloquest: Thieving BA*&$RDS!!!!!!

Ah Heroquest, its like slipping on a well worn in leather jacket, it fits just right and brings back memories of adventures of years gone by. I do love the big box of gateway goodness, its the beckoning hand that reeled me in (after Mr Livingstone and Mr Jackson had cast the fly) to a life of little plastic men at the tender age of.....well that would be telling!.
I mean look at it!!.

I have already posted my homebrew solo play rules (here) and my hero creation rules (here) but since then i havent gone so far as to get the game down off the shelf!, i know shame on bloody me!. All thats about to change!.

You see i was at work today pulling the now customary 12 hour shift in the midst of a mini heatwave (so much humidity, my undies were damper than the amazon in the wet season!) and i had an idea that must have only been caused by a combination of dehydration, fatigue and boredom!. Wronghammer is missing a Soloquest game report, but this one is with a twist!.......

  'BASTARDS!, BASTARDS!, ROBBING BLOODY CHAV BASTARDSSSS!!!!!!!!' raged the dark lord Villaraxxx the many x'ed, lord of almost total darkness, destroyer of worlds, upender of reason, learned student of the black arts as he kicked the strewn and broken debris around his study. 'TOTAL,TOTAL BLOODY THIEVING BUNCH OF DONKEYS BOLLOCKS, MASSIVE LOAD OF PILFERING DUCK SHITES!!!!' he screamed as he grabbed the burned pages of his archaic spell book and flung it against the wall, scattering its torn pages in a storm of loose paper. He looked up as the door flew open and a cowering green shape slithered into the room. 'WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU GO YOU USELESS BAG OF TOTAL STEAMING WEASEL SPLUFF' screamed Villaraxxx at the sniveling figure '.......pppplease master, i dont do no 'arm, i got the rest o 'lord o darkieness i went and gots them to 'elp you calm all down an that'. As he spoke a massive green brown reptillian creature with one large eye in the center of his snouted head walked gingerly into the room. 'Come on now boss, whats all this then?' the creature said in measured tones, holding its arms out towards the angry wizard. 'WHATS ALL THIS HE ASKS?, WHATS ALL BLOODY THIS!!!?. I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT FLIPPING WELL IS, THESE BASTARDS BROKE INTO MY COSY STRONGHOLD, MURDERED MY HENCHMEN, SMASHED UP THE PLACE, STOLE ALL MY GOLD AND KNICKED MY BLOODY MAGIC STAFF!!!!'. 'Oh i see, we've had adventurers in again, why did'ent you say so!'. 'ADVENTURERS!, THIEVING BACKSTABBING MURDERING THIEVES MORE LIKE!, WHAT DID I DO TO THEM?, THATS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW, WHY ME?, I WAS GETTING READY TO RETIRE, THAT STAFF WAS GOING ON EVIL BAY, IT WAS WORTH BLOODY GOOD GOLD, IT WAS GOING TO BUY ME A MANSION IN THE DARK LANDS, LIFE WAS GOING TO BE WALL TO WALL WITCH ELVES AND ODDLY SMOKING COCKTAILS WITH TINY UMBRELLAS AND LITTLE PLASTIC MONKEYS ON THE RIM, BUT NOOOOOOO SOME BLOODY CHAV ARSE HEADS HAD TO BREAK IN AND STEAL IT.....BASTARRRRRDDDDDSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!. Villarax picked up a golden candle stick and flung it at the open door. It was answered with a muffled MMMMHHHHMMM!!!. as a massive figure clad head to toe in grey plate including a huge horned helm that seemed to muffle his speech strode into the chaos of the room. 'Oh sorry goretex i did not know you were there'. The metal clad giant shrugged and made a noise that carried a hint of 'no bother'. The reptillian creature tried again. 'Now come on now boss calm down, getting mad and throwing things wont get the staff back, lets have a nasty cup of weed tea and talk this through, get it off your chest. my sherl used to say a nasty cup o' weeds makes the world seem foggier'. 'Cyglax, when will you learn that a cup of nettles in tepid swamp water will not fix these things?, i need to get the staff but i cant can i?'. The metal man raised his head and said something that gave an impression of 'why not?'. 'Because Goretex, they are the good guys, they are supposed to be what passes for heros', we have to sit here and put up with these invasions while they kill and maim and steal all they like!.......hang on a mo, when i was getting humiliated by these thugs where were you and froggy chops over there?' he inquired pointing at Cylax. Cylax jumped to his feet and quickly answered ' Its not our fault boss, we were stuck in the torture chamber, we cant open doors. Its in the rules remember?, We had to wait for Snivels to come get us'. 'Yes i know all about the rules, 1 body point, black shields, cant even open the doors for ourselves, yes im very familiar with the rules.' Villaraxxx slumped down onto his semi smashed chair, shoulders sagging in defeat. Silence filled the room for what felt like an age, the occupants dejected in defeat. Suddenly Villaraxxx looked up, a strange look on his face. 'Hang on' he said to the room at large, 'what if we refused to follow the rules, what if we decided we were the heros, i mean, we have been wronged, they broke in here and murdered our work mates, they came in here uninvited and stole anything that they could lay their hands on. What if we broke into their stronghold and went after them?. I SAY BUGGER THE RULES, MAYBE ITS OUR TURN FOR ONCE, He stood up tall and smothed his tattered robes proudly.' MEN WI..' Cyglax gave a small cough ...'fine, AND FIMER ARE YO...' Snivles coughed.....' REALLY, I NEED TO SAY IT. BLOODY HELL, AND GOBLINS' he glanced sideways at the little green creature 'happy?' he asked it with a hint of menace. The goblin met his eyes before looking away and nodding. 'Where was i.....right, yes.....'ARE YOU WITH ME?'. The three gave a rousing cheer (or a muffled sound a bit like one), they grabbed their weapons and went out into the fading dawn, Four heros on a quest to recover that which had been stolen from them, four heros willing to face danger, face hardships and to face their destiny!. 

Saturday 20 May 2017

Mentally Terraformish, Rats over Lowbridge (AAR)

'Anyway, i think i may get this game played tonight (if i can prep and base enough militia minis in time!) so i may turn this one around quite quickly (which will be a change!)'. Thus ended my last post over two weeks ago.....what a tit!!. So why the wait?, well i have just returned from two lovely stress free weeks with the family Sprinks in Spain, and i have stayed as off line as poss during this time. I did play this game before going but it has had to wait until now to write this up. Sorry!. You can read the first part of this post here.

   The outlaws camp was cramped, muddy, smelled of rotten veg and this noontime was alive with the sounds of fiddlers fiddling, outlaws singing, drunks burping and!. Big Ronnel lurched over to the lone figure clad in a hodge podge of rat pelts and rags on the edge of the crowd, The man was stooped, feeding morsels of food to a gaggle of massive rats crowding around his dirty feet. Ronnel stopped to laugh at a bawdy jape and pat mouldy dave on the back before facing the rat man . 'So young Stephan you were no jokin' yous can deliver on your word, me an the boys thought yous was just full o' shite but turns out you really can get people to do what you says. we's all been talkin', he held out his massive hand in friendship 'put her there, if yous wants it yous can be one of us', he grabbed Stephans hand before it was offered and turned to face the rest of his men 'AY BOYS, WHAT DO YE SAY, HES ONE O US NOW, ONE O THE BLACK WOOD BOYS EH!, YOU AN YOUR RATS!'. The rest of the outlaws raised their flagons and dropped their strumpets and gave a rousing manly cheer. Ronnel pumped Stephans hand rather too enthusiastically, almost dislocating his arm with a massive smile on his massive face. 'Who'd a thunk it, me an the lads ave been tryin' for months to raid the tax wagon out of the bridge country and youz just walk up an ask those solders to give it to us!'. Some of the men raised sacks of stolen gold and gave another hearty cheer.  He put a brotherly arm around Stephans shoulder and turned him towards the men. 'I have to kno' how do you do it?'. Stephan stepped away to remove Ronnels arm, causing Ronnel to stagger a few paces, the ale making him unsteady. 'First thing my man, its The majestic Stephan, I,ll have you know i dident spend the last three years honing my talents to be just called stephan. And i dont want to join your grubby little band i am going to lead it!'. Ronnel looked confused for a moment before he began to protest. Stephan cut him off before he could say anything. 'You are the first of my underlings, soon i will form an army of obedient followers and i will storm the lords keep and take the area for my own before enslaving the local townsfolk and then marching against the crown itself!!'. Ronnel looked confused, then angry then a little more angry before his features finally twisted into a toothy smile. He laid his huge hand onto Stephans shoulder and let out a massive belly laugh!. His men relaxed and also joined in the laughter. 'Oh youz really ad me goin there pal, i thought you was for real for a mo....'the Majestic Stephan'....what is you like man...'. While Ronnel roared with laughter Stephens face grew dark. He looked at his biggest black rat and clicked his fingers, the rat bared his yellow teeth and jumped at Ronnels neck, a spurt of crimson sprung from the big mans wind pipe and he fell back with a dull thud. The rat leaped deftly to the floor and washed the blood from its nose. For a moment the camp went silent, then as one the outlaws drew their blades and notched their bows. The majestic Stephan raised his gnarled staff and waved his hand before the camp. 'You will drop your weapons' he said slowly, not blinking. As one the outlaws dropped their weapons and stood, confusion on each face. 'You are now my loyal followers you will do as i bid and will obey me totally. As one the camp repeated the words vacantly, all except one brigand who shouted 'YOUZ CAN BUGGER OFF MATE!!' and charged towards Stephan with his club raised. Stephan sighed, theres always one that dosent take, children if you would be so kind' he turned and walked away as the rats pounced...... Above the gnashing and screams came the sound of horns and galloping hooves. 'Damn, we've been discovered, men to arms, defend the camp!', without blinking the men collected their arms and rushed to meet the attackers......

 So another game and the first in the setting i am beginning to put together. I thought a small game would be best as time has been in short supply. To this end i gave Dragon Rampant another spin and once again it was alot of fun!. I played a pitched battle but decided that if any side lost their leader they would loose the game. The forces i chose are as follows:

Clockwise from the front: Militia missiles ( light missiles), Militia foot (light foot), Border guard (heavy riders with missile upgrade), Lord of lowbridge and sons (elite riders), The lord is the forces leader. The minis are a mix of Mini art, Streletes, hat and A Call to arms.

 Rear from left: Bow armed brigands (light missiles), Outlaw foot (light foot). Center: The Majestic Stephan (light foot, wizardling: Almighty prod!, Befuddle thee!, Bog Thee!), and in the front: Giant rats (lesser warbeasts). The minis are airfix, red box and games workshop.

As ever the miniatures are on coloured bases, the Militia forces are on Red with white trim and the outlaws are on Black with Green trim.

The game takes place on the edge of  darkwoods eastern side, at noon.
The local forces rush to attack the outlaws head on, From the left are the horse, border guard and The lord and his boys, the Militia foot in the middle and the missiles on the flank.
The outlaws rush out to meet the attackers, on their left the bowmen stand guard the rats and the Majestic Stephan skulk behind the rocks.
The foot face the Militia on the other flank.
The outlaws take the chance to get forward and close the distance, they all advance against the foe. The militia also advance and the missiles pepper the outlaws with shot killing one of them.
The horse also gallop forward to face the foe, the border guard eager to hunt down the wizard and bring him to royal justice!. Stephan orders his rats to shield him.
The outlaw foot charge forward but cant quite reach the militia and the Bows seem confused for a moment, the glamour of Stephans spell weakening, or may be it was the ale!. The militia take the chance to unleash a flurry of missiles on the outlaws battering them, Captain Turner then gave the order to 'pay attention for smith sake and CHARGE!!!

 Even the militia are too much for the demoralized outlaws and they turn and flee!, Captain Turner  tries to reform his men while they seem intent on jeering, swearing and mooning the fleeing opponents!.
In the center the Majestic Stephan fixes the border guard with a stare and raises his staff, the border guard suddenly seemed to go blank and stop dead on the spot!.
                                         'Come get me you one eyed horse shagger!!'
The bowmen fire on the Lord and his boys wounding young Delpher twice, seizing his chance Stephan guides his rats against the Border Guard!
 The rats push the border guard back, killing two of them and sewing confusion among them!, in reply the Lord and sons charge the furry buggers!
'CHARGE THE FURRY BUGGERS!' (see told you!)
The rats are driven off by the horse and suddenly their leader dosent feel so majestic exposed against the combined Horse!.
Oh bollocks!!!!
Mean while Captain Turner has an idea, a cunning idea of truly amazing  cunning idearness. 'follow me men, lets sneak round and get 'em from behind. And no stupid jokes about taking them from behind or suchlike!'

While the lordly horse get peeved by the sharp sticks of the bowmen pinging off their armour and sweep them from the field!.

The majestic one decided to form a new plan. 'Right men, fall back and protect'

Theres bleak and then theres this!, The Majestic Stephan considers his major decisions in his life and how the bloody hell hes going to get out of this one, i called the game at this point as he was the only member of his force left and the whole enemy force was bearing down on him!.

Well calling that one sided is like saying Salad fingers* is a touch dark!. However it was a fun game to play and i enjoyed watching the outlaws fall apart!.

Well all thats left this time out is to ask the question on every bodies lips, Is Duc de Goblin a sufferer of masochistic episodes?. I ask this because he has become the latest person to follow these silly writings of mine!. You are very welcome sir, glad to have you along!. I cant tell if you are a blogger or not, if you are please put a link in the comments as we would love to see what you get up to when you are not following this twattery!.

Anyway....till next time!