Sunday 22 April 2018

Today in Crivenshire

Its spuday the 27th of meatember, in the year of our gods 1354, its almost sundown, its time for;

And heres your host;
Lead anchor Barron Stemphage Ramsholme

co anchor Miss Cravenlly Cabbes

Roving reporter Tweek Mincelley (Dropsey free since a week last smudgeday)

                                        And not forgetting Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport!

Heres whats happening where you are........TODAY!.

'Hello, my names Barron S Ramsholme, and this is what happened upon this day.
It has been confirmed that the entire royal line were indeed murdered!, the death of the entire line of succession upon the traditional feast of stCackendale has been confirmed by the sheriff of Crivenshire to have been caused by a poisoned pudding!!, heres Miss Cravenlly Cabbes with the details, Miss Cabbes'.

  'Ooooo fank oo Barron R, it as been confermed by royal tasters 'at a poisoned Damson Duff were all to blame for fha nasty deafs. It were found to be laced wiv a 'eavy dose of a substance called 'fha yawnin' deaf' also called 'fha watermaker' which targets fha tummy and arse. It turns out fhem royals actually pooed emselves to deaf!. Fha hunt for all them what were 'sponsable as begun in earnest but fha sheriffs men ave so nuffin to go on!!!!'.

  'Thank you Miss Cravenlly, gives a whole new definition to 'throne room'. So with no successor what happens now?, we sent Tweek Mincelley to find out, we are now going over live to Crivins Castle where the aforementioned is waiting with a special report. Mr Mincelley can you here me?'.

 'Yes Barron i can hear you loud and clear, as i stand here upwind among the many vegetable tributes of half chewed turnips and potatoes and the odd dead rat left in touching rememberance here at the main gates of Crivins Castle it appears the royal record keepers have been toiling night and day to work out what should occur to resolve this unprecedented issue. Never before has there been a dearth of royalty. No successor means no King which of course means no successor!. Its anarchy Barron, pure flippin madness!!. However i can now conform that the head legislator has found an ancient law for such an occurrence!, its known a..'
'Can you tell us what this law is called Tweek?'.
'Yes, yes Barron i can indeed conform it is known as Wazzcocks law and it dates back to the first kings, it states that, and im quoting here, er, 'Do notte be allarmmede if upone ye deathe of yonder monarch no sucessor shalle to be founde, calle forthe ye earls to determine as one manne the next ammonge theme to rule'. So it appears th'
'It seems the law is stating that the existing earls shall decide which of them will be the new king'.
...'quite right Barron, it shall be the earls th'
'The earls will be the deciders of the crown, thank you Tweek'.
'Tweek Mincelley there, reporting from the capitol, nice to see him free of the pink eye aye Cravenlly?'.
'Cerainly is Barron, ees quite the looker under all that puss!'.

Also in the happenings today; Miss Cravenlly?.'

 'Fhank oo Barron. fha King of Douchmark is still surchin for fhat rebel rabble leader Lucas Bitchenmarken, oos writings on fha foodal system and fisical equalitee between fha rich and fha poor as gon an caused several violent peasant uprisins. It is beleived fha dissident fholosefa was spotted fleein on a skiff offa fha east coast an could be edding fhis way, the king of Douchmark as stated ee will 'kick fha ooly shit out a any nation fhat would ide such a melovolant turd as Bitchenmarken.'
                                       Bitchenmarken, an artists impression, keep them peeled folks.

  'Ee looks like a lovely batato. Also in fha occurrences its been almost two monfs since fha dissaperence of Lady Grace Ballant from Ballant Keep. Eer farva Lord Ballant as promised free undred gold marks for...'

'Thank you Barron, yes exciting news indeed, i have been given a statement from the estate of Glinric Pallenbrooke, the 26th Earl of Crivenshire. it reads th..'

'Exciting indeed what does it say tweek?'
'...yes thank you Barron, it reads thus:
       'During this time of national mourning and sadness it is clear that we need strong leadership to ensure we keep moving forward in the selection process of the next king. No one misses the last king with his harsh but fair taxation laws and fondness for tourture more than myself but it is essential we move in the right direction. With this in mind i, Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Royal Crivenshire here by name myself king in the interim, to rule while a perminant monarch is to be found. my first act as king is to set a date for the election of the new king, which will be held five years today, the 27th of meatember, the year of our gods 1359'.
'This means that the earl of..'
'The earl of Crivenshire has named himself temporary king!, thank you tweek. Tweek Mincelley, live from the royal seat. Here's Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport. Spldgeerton'.

'A thank you Barron..errrm...its been an exciting day in the 157th annual..errrm....'kick the inflated badger corpse between two villages while people beat the hell out of each other cup'...eerm....So far Latherfordde in-unison lead Knottesridge never-academicals 7 deaths to 4...errrm.....the badger has been burst and trampled underfoot during the first half...errm.....leading to some first rate pummeling by...errm....the Leatherfordde back 28, although  Knottesridge did have a late stabbing ruled out for offside. It looks to be Leatherfordde's game with sundown fast approaching...errm...however the after game punch up between the teams...eerrm....will be worth sticking around for...errrm....'

'Thank you Spludgeerton. well thats the happenings for today, join us upon the morrow for more. Until then its a fond good bye from me, Barron Stemphage Ramsholmeme and the rest of the Crivenshire news team....goode night!'.

Saturday 21 April 2018

Olde Albilande welcomes you.....

             YE OLDE ALBILANDE; A VISITORS GUIDE             

  A warm welcome traveler to the wonders of Olde Albilande, where dreams really do come true*.
be it the beautiful landscape

or are friendly locals

or the local cuisine

 The purpose of this leaflet is to help familiarize you, the visitor with the places to visit and activities available to you during your stay across the highways and of course byways of this green and sometimes even pleasant land.

  First some history. Olde Albilande was established by a combination of Francenlande, Douchmarken and Russavacian invaders who all landed on these lush shores over three hundred years ago. At first they were content to kick the living poo out of each other and the indigenous savages they found here (you may know those savages today as Lamavicians, who the invaders chased off to their own belt of isles to the north of Olde Albilande, where they remain to this day being as smelly and unrefined as ever). The invaders each claimed sections of the land for their own and for a while an uneasy peace held sway. Of course as we all know each of the groups of invaders abandoned the land out of sheer boredom, leaving behind a few of the stubborn, sick or lack-witted  from each party that missed the boats as the settlers returned from whence they came. These people form the ancestors of the population of Albilande today.

  But enough of the past, what wonders are here for you today?.

  As you may be aware the land is divided  into four counties, each as different from each other as chalk and dairy waste products. Lets take a closer look at each:


Located in the south is Royal Crivenshire, so called because it is the seat of the royal family of Albilande. The residence of the king being Crivens Castle in Royal Cravensaly. The shire is noted for its fantastically windy coastline and vibrant trading towns such as the always busy Spillage and Hampage-on-fosse, these walled river towns are home to many refined folks due to the traders guild making their home in each settlement to take advantage of the fine transport links and easy commute to the capital. If its shopping and commerce you want, Royal Crivenshire is the destination for you!


With the coast to the west the western most shire is the home to fine sunshine (6 days a year) and the busy port towns of Cheebsdale (the seat of the Earl of Offenhammeshire) and Allen-on-quey which are thriving hubs of trade and high fashion. It is said that the finery of the rich of these towns puts even the royal court to shame. This county is well known for its imported goods, it is said you can buy almost anything there if you dont ask too many questions!. The shire is also noted for the northern marsh settlement of Holenhamme, better known as 'little Lamavic' where the earl permits Lamavician exiles to live and work in the peat bogs in the area, i'm sure you will agree its a great humanitarian gesture. This area is also open to tourists, so if its hooch and casual violence your after this is a day trip no to be missed!.


If its more rugged scenery your after you could do worse than a trip to Fossestershire. Split east and west by the Crippled Jaw mountains and home to the dark pine forests of the northern fenns this is a haven for wildlife (most of which may attempt to kill and devour you). The people of Fossestershire mirror the terrain but are friendly in their own way. The land is home to many walled city states that due to the lay of the land function with a large degree of autonomy. Cities like Obbleholmme (the Earls seat) and Bouldenhamme supply the quaint northern settlements surrounding them. Also of note is the hill town of Holy Dawkinsholme, which contains more shrines and pilgrimage destinations than any other settlement in the known world!.


The gateway to the east, Burkenshire, also known as 'the wet shire,' has had rain for a record 122,000000 consecutive days!. Legend has it that it was cursed by a witch who was sick of locals making fun of her impressive wart collection. Today it is known for being the countries largest producer of quality mud and of course the famous Drizzlemere cabbage, produced only in the town of the same name.

Those of you that want to get back to nature may wish to visit the vast and mysterious phlippinooge forest that runs through the center of Albilande. Its home to fine camp sites and hidden rivers and some of the most stunning scenery the land has to offer as well as providing roads linking the shires. It is worth noting that you will need a permit to travel and stay within the forest boundaries that can be obtained from the closest nymph office, failing to do so may lead to being squashed to death by angry Dryads.

  So thats just a small selection of what this fantastic land has to offer (we have not touched on the famous sausages of Offal or the steel smiths of Ikky for example). All of us at the Olde Albilande tourist board wish you a fine stay free from cutpurses, bandits and mobs of that last sentence.

* if you happen to be rich or of noble birth.

Taken from th Olde Albilande tourist board leaflet: 'How to best avoid a stabbing or other forms of painful death in Albilande', first produced in 1343. This surviving copy donated kindly by Geoff Cribbadge, son of the noted mock-historian sir Norman Cribbadge jnr. 

Friday 20 April 2018

New with old, old from new!!

I think it was Bob Dylan that sang:

 Yep, yep it was (thanks Mr Bob), and in many ways he was right, however he would not have known that it applies to Wronghammer too (would he care?, best not to dwell....). But thats whats going on!. You see dear surfer of the web of worlds, my last few months have been a little weird hobby wise. I all but finished the re-basing of all my minis and the rounding out of my home brew fantasy setting. Happy wee bunny was i. But you know how it goes, i was suffering from nagging discontent. The setting is cool in my own humble opinion but....i don't know how to really express it........its just a bit dry. Very detailed, lots of complex alliances and relationships between factions and a history that can be twisted and bent without breaking but with enough holes that need fleshing out to give lots of campaign options. But it needs me to write in a more sensible way to the 'style' that is my natural 'voice' (how wanky does that sound!?!). So, to cut a long story shorter, each time i sit to type material for it i end up frustrated with a lack of warmth or humor (as far as it is in these pages!) in the prose!. So....whats a numptie geek to do?.
   I dont know what you regular readers (all four of you!) think but i have loved writing the last post ( to be found here) and found the sort of freedom in the subject that sparked the old hobby mojo the stuff i was trying to write was not. Soooooooo.........

     ........Drastic action will be taken!!!!!!. Towitt:


(* Or atleast on a long hiatus for the time being!!!!!).

 Thats right you heard me, the focus of my gaming will no longer include the setting i have been working towards ( the Mentally Terrorforming stuff shall be sodded off!!!!). But wait!, i know what your thinking; 'Sprinks, what are you doing?, that means these pages are to be full of even more unfocused bleatings from your messed up brain!'. That would indeed be the case, but no!. An idea came to me:

(time for more silly sized lettering)


.....You get the idea.... so, with no further ado i give you:

  A combined setting, ongoing campaign and story arc that will be built as i go!!!!!. (i'm sooo excited i cant sit still while typing!!!!)

    However i do need to impose some rules on myself, towoo:

 1 Anything bloody goes!
      Nothings too stupid as long as it makes me smile and adds to a fun hobby time its going in!. End of!.

2 Its evolution baby!!
    The setting will be allowed to breath and form as it goes along, pre-thought out stuff is fine but it will not be set in stone, it will be a shifting arc that is shaped by narrative games!.

3 Nothing new!!
   By which i mean i am here by BANNED from buying any more minis!. Cross my heart i will not be swayed!, i am scrapping a huge projects worth of minis so i will use what i have and make them fit (not too hard with the rules above). There is a whopping great loophole for trades mind!!!.

4 Nothing is sacred!!
       I reserve the right to tear down and stamp on that which is included, nothing is immune!. Also i will take feedback in comments from you guys and will let you help shape the games and story arc as it goes. Feel free to chuck in ideas!!!!!.

 Now i have a set of boundaries in place whats been formed in my brain so far?, well, i have a loose map showing the lay of the land i am going for and an idea of setting the main factions as opposed counties in a mid-medievalish ye olde faux-english setting.


If you click it it will ggrrroooowwwww!!!!!!!!

The basic idea is set right after the suspected assassination of the entire royal line ( poisoned damson duff at a royal do to mark the feast of stCackendale!!) the remaining authority, in the form of the four earls of the counties of Olde Albilande (Crivenshire, Offenhammeshire, Fossestershire and Burkenshire)  have been left to determine a successor!. Throw in many other complications and angles (noisy neighbours, bandits, undead hordes and a possible invasion from overseas) and it should give plenty of chances for chaos and fun!!. 

 But thats not all!. Some of you may be wondering whats going on with the last new project?;

Glad you asked, well, rather brilliantly Sgt Hoff, Ginger and the rest of the Fighting Cocks fit the framework set out above so they are to be moved over to the new setting giving me a whole other angle to write from and add stuff with!. Bonus!. (i feel i need to say that i have become taken with these 'project headers'. I must  point out that the idea has been totally RIPPED OFF from mr Chico Danks over at Oldhammer on a Budget, who has been doing it for ages to great effect. His are mini works of art, mine are a bit crap but they are satisfying to make!. So thanks Chico for the idea and this is a case of imitation being a very sincere form of flattery).

So thats whats been going on round at mine, i will be adding bits and pieces soon to begin the 'fleshing out' of all this bobbins, but for now its time to say........'till next time......

Tuesday 3 April 2018

The battle of St Blithers Gate (1521......ish)

As you may not know as well as being a keen plastic toy botherer of some ill-repute i am also an enthusiastic amatuer fictional history sluth. I particularly enjoy discovering the lost details of the battles that never occurred in these very isles during the medievalish period, especially the imagined 'border botherations', a series of fictitious minor battles between the landed lords while they were waiting for the king to pick on some made up country or other. With this in mind i am sure you can understand my surprise and excitement upon discovering the esteemed historian Crutthers Formensure-Whiteing, professor of the imagined non-souls collage Cameford had unearthed details of the long lost battle of St Blithers Gate 1521!!. This really would be a fantastic find and would help fill in details of the period which no one has yet to been bothered to imagine!. Rather than link to the work i endeavoured to pretend to write to the honorable Mr Formensure-Whiting and he amazingly gave me carte blanche to re-produce the work he has not found in full on this blog!. So without further ado it gives me great pleasure to 'hand over' as it were to the man himself!.

  In all my many years researching and delving into the shadows of the fictitious past it was the period 1520-1523 that have proved the most fruitless. A combination of a lack of anyone making up a crusade or invasion of any kind and the general lack of interest in the period combined with a lack of non-credible records from the time make the three year period difficult to research. However, it has come to my attention that within the non existent records of the 139th Earl of Fossestershire in his personal library in Chappersley House (just off the A38 near Trull, i recommend it for a wonderful imagined day out) there may not remain the only recorded account of the Battle of St Blithers Gate, notable for its aggressor the 18th Duke of Cavenlly, who was said to have been one of the minor players in the unreal invasion of Francalande some 11 years previous. The Duke was thought to have retired to his Estate and probably fallen foul to some colourful disease of the age (perhaps puce fever or the dreaded selaphiciosis, known by many as 'ol' crones sag'). It would seem however that the records place him alive and well at the time of the battle!. This is some find indeed!.

  The records not discovered are made up of one letter from the Duke himself to his enemy, the 13th Lord of Offenholeanham, and of an account of the battle itself reported to be recorded by the Dukes personal herald Thomas Ableaseford, who was not actually the son of the 21st Barron of Cheebsdale no less. With such scant records it would be hard for one to be excited however on inspection the record of Thomas Ableaseford is unusually complete for such a spurious text (most investigators omit at least some details) and as such it offers a unique flavor of the period as it did not happen.

  I have included below the Duke of Cavenllys' letter in its entirety, followed by the report not really given by Thomas Ableaseford. I hope such details of this made up age gives you the excitement it has given me. Enjoy

                           Crutthers Formensure-Whiteing MFHis, non-souls collage Cameford.

    to the most blaggardly rapscallion the 13th Lord of Offenholeanham regarding various hurts and wrongs inflicted upon the house of Fossestershire,

  I will dispense with the formalities due to an honorable man as you sir are of no such cut. I put it to you sir that in no uncertain terms you have wronged my person and my family most gravely and such matters must be settled. Towitt:

You are accused of the dire act upon the feast of St Plummage at my very table no less of using a partridge fork upon a nestle of Trout!. An act i can only assume to be a slight against my estate!.

 You also upon the same night did proceed to bring forth a most vulgar verse detailing one maiden, a minister and a gooseberry fool!, and within earshot of my lady wife, all before the 9th hour!!. She still suffers from faints and womanly weakness on account of your filth!.

 These errs i was intending to overlook as a good christian and gentleman yet still you would offer further insult!. For it has been brought to my attention you were to be found to be hunting within the boarders of my lands upon the second day after a new moon no less!.

 This sir is a step too far, i make preparations to arrest you and bring you forth to give your confession to the King himself sir, i make ready to march the Hog Road and into your lands before the new moon wains. I will take any attempt to stand against my just actions as an act of defiance and will act in accord.

 I will have satisfaction.

   Yours faithfully and in all truth,
                                                   Sir Lombidge Carneigie-Smithe, 18th Duke of Cavenlly.    

 What follows is ye truest account of a battle most bloodie upon the hogges roade in the year most blesseded 1521 frome the truest hand of your servant, squire and herald Thomas Ableaseford. 
'Twas a day most cloudee and grey upon the mantle, the dew doth est rest thicklee upone the earthe. Upon the Hogges roade we did ride to aquire the submissieon of the loathed cade and bounder thee
Lorde of Offenholeanham(ee). At the heade of our colomn most proude did ride the warrior most mighty, the Duke of Cavenlly, who once brought a most bloodee end to a frankishman with a bar of saopee and a corpe of a squirelle. Upon a moment we doth come upon the vile person of thee Lorde himself with his household arrayede betwixt the stonees of the Gate of St Blithers most true. Ready for battle he was, with spears to both sides and vile northern sell swordes within his companee!, (the type that laye with donkiees no less). Thee brave Duke gave the calle to deployee and soone the godless enemye woulde be done. Uponne the tenthe hour thee Duke dide calle us too bring battle moste full and foul upone the enemiee. Thee men of thee Duke brave and true doth arraye in just accorde,

The men onne foote, sargent and peasent bothee did makest uppe a fine center to bring battle forth,
               (all pictures supplied by the wronghammer plastic re-enactment society)

The hororable Duke doth lead his knightly warriors to the flank to smashe the foul foe. The house of Cavenllys colours doth fly of purest blue and richest blackee.  Fore his parte the cruel lorde accused did in defiance stande with his horde a-line,
To the far winge his personage doth hide away frome the duke most true, his menne (dogs everyee one) lined to intercepte thee brave forces of the duke. Theire colours doth fly, ash greye on white.
Too yonder wing did the vile northerne sell spears lurk undere the guidence of thee blaggarde Ruffariouse the redde, foul raider and hounde of thee seas. His banner dide unfurle, sea blue on white.
In thee queste fore satisfactictione the dukes menne dide go forthe upone thee enemee as arrowes doth fall amongst theire ranks, stille they doth pushe onne. 
Inne his luste for vengance thee duke did sette forthe to crush thee enemiee, forward stepped foule Ruffariouse to fille his passage!. But alas fore the norcemanne ande his kin under hooves of steele they were throwne,
Ande the scume did absconde withe their tails betwixt their legges!. 
Withe dander up the knightly gentlemene dothe charge once more upone the line of the defilers.

they dide putte thee Lordes menne to thee blade and more norsemenne to flight!.
Withe the Dukes sucesse the imputus helde he, in suche strife thee cowardlee Lorde did sounde thee charge too thee center of the juste Dukes line.
Ande a greate hole didde they punche!.
Withe a greate cry thee Dukes foote dide charge, enveloping the frightful cad in a juste wall of vengence!
onlye to be thruste aside bye thee cravens at arms under thee Lordes Grey ande white!.

As arronde battle raged accrosse thee hoggs roade thee Duke dide spy his preye, withoute hesitatione he dide challenge thee cur to combate mortal and dire, tilt did he and his accused foe.....
Blows rained downe hither and thine, as thee fates did conspire to honer the Duke withe a true aim ande a juste strength too his arme, he doth slay his enemee upone the field!. As the fatal blowe was strucke thee craven foe did surrender to a manne, thee hoggs road and gate of st Blithere were his and the wrongs inflictede so truelyee were therenbye in full paide. Theire was much feastinge and wenching upone the campe on that night!.

  So there you are, im sure we can all agree that these documents and the work of Formensure-Whiteing in not really capturing and recording them are vital to fill in the detail that does not exist during this otherwise unrecorded period. I for one am excited to see what he fabricates next!.

 Anyway, hopefully i will have a AAR for you rather than an almost historical account but sometimes you just have to share these things.........

......'till next time.