Sunday, 22 April 2018

Today in Crivenshire

Its spuday the 27th of meatember, in the year of our gods 1354, its almost sundown, its time for;

And heres your host;
Lead anchor Barron Stemphage Ramsholme

co anchor Miss Cravenlly Cabbes

Roving reporter Tweek Mincelley (Dropsey free since a week last smudgeday)

                                        And not forgetting Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport!

Heres whats happening where you are........TODAY!.

'Hello, my names Barron S Ramsholme, and this is what happened upon this day.
It has been confirmed that the entire royal line were indeed murdered!, the death of the entire line of succession upon the traditional feast of stCackendale has been confirmed by the sheriff of Crivenshire to have been caused by a poisoned pudding!!, heres Miss Cravenlly Cabbes with the details, Miss Cabbes'.

  'Ooooo fank oo Barron R, it as been confermed by royal tasters 'at a poisoned Damson Duff were all to blame for fha nasty deafs. It were found to be laced wiv a 'eavy dose of a substance called 'fha yawnin' deaf' also called 'fha watermaker' which targets fha tummy and arse. It turns out fhem royals actually pooed emselves to deaf!. Fha hunt for all them what were 'sponsable as begun in earnest but fha sheriffs men ave so nuffin to go on!!!!'.

  'Thank you Miss Cravenlly, gives a whole new definition to 'throne room'. So with no successor what happens now?, we sent Tweek Mincelley to find out, we are now going over live to Crivins Castle where the aforementioned is waiting with a special report. Mr Mincelley can you here me?'.

 'Yes Barron i can hear you loud and clear, as i stand here upwind among the many vegetable tributes of half chewed turnips and potatoes and the odd dead rat left in touching rememberance here at the main gates of Crivins Castle it appears the royal record keepers have been toiling night and day to work out what should occur to resolve this unprecedented issue. Never before has there been a dearth of royalty. No successor means no King which of course means no successor!. Its anarchy Barron, pure flippin madness!!. However i can now conform that the head legislator has found an ancient law for such an occurrence!, its known a..'
'Can you tell us what this law is called Tweek?'.
'Yes, yes Barron i can indeed conform it is known as Wazzcocks law and it dates back to the first kings, it states that, and im quoting here, er, 'Do notte be allarmmede if upone ye deathe of yonder monarch no sucessor shalle to be founde, calle forthe ye earls to determine as one manne the next ammonge theme to rule'. So it appears th'
'It seems the law is stating that the existing earls shall decide which of them will be the new king'.
...'quite right Barron, it shall be the earls th'
'The earls will be the deciders of the crown, thank you Tweek'.
'Tweek Mincelley there, reporting from the capitol, nice to see him free of the pink eye aye Cravenlly?'.
'Cerainly is Barron, ees quite the looker under all that puss!'.

Also in the happenings today; Miss Cravenlly?.'

 'Fhank oo Barron. fha King of Douchmark is still surchin for fhat rebel rabble leader Lucas Bitchenmarken, oos writings on fha foodal system and fisical equalitee between fha rich and fha poor as gon an caused several violent peasant uprisins. It is beleived fha dissident fholosefa was spotted fleein on a skiff offa fha east coast an could be edding fhis way, the king of Douchmark as stated ee will 'kick fha ooly shit out a any nation fhat would ide such a melovolant turd as Bitchenmarken.'
                                       Bitchenmarken, an artists impression, keep them peeled folks.

  'Ee looks like a lovely batato. Also in fha occurrences its been almost two monfs since fha dissaperence of Lady Grace Ballant from Ballant Keep. Eer farva Lord Ballant as promised free undred gold marks for...'

'Thank you Barron, yes exciting news indeed, i have been given a statement from the estate of Glinric Pallenbrooke, the 26th Earl of Crivenshire. it reads th..'

'Exciting indeed what does it say tweek?'
'...yes thank you Barron, it reads thus:
       'During this time of national mourning and sadness it is clear that we need strong leadership to ensure we keep moving forward in the selection process of the next king. No one misses the last king with his harsh but fair taxation laws and fondness for tourture more than myself but it is essential we move in the right direction. With this in mind i, Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Royal Crivenshire here by name myself king in the interim, to rule while a perminant monarch is to be found. my first act as king is to set a date for the election of the new king, which will be held five years today, the 27th of meatember, the year of our gods 1359'.
'This means that the earl of..'
'The earl of Crivenshire has named himself temporary king!, thank you tweek. Tweek Mincelley, live from the royal seat. Here's Spludgeerton Fitch with the sport. Spldgeerton'.

'A thank you Barron..errrm...its been an exciting day in the 157th annual..errrm....'kick the inflated badger corpse between two villages while people beat the hell out of each other cup'...eerm....So far Latherfordde in-unison lead Knottesridge never-academicals 7 deaths to 4...errrm.....the badger has been burst and trampled underfoot during the first half...errm.....leading to some first rate pummeling by...errm....the Leatherfordde back 28, although  Knottesridge did have a late stabbing ruled out for offside. It looks to be Leatherfordde's game with sundown fast approaching...errm...however the after game punch up between the teams...eerrm....will be worth sticking around for...errrm....'

'Thank you Spludgeerton. well thats the happenings for today, join us upon the morrow for more. Until then its a fond good bye from me, Barron Stemphage Ramsholmeme and the rest of the Crivenshire news team....goode night!'.


  1. Good stuff Mr Sprinks - The Sports presenter presumably has a long face due to the death of the King?

    1. Yep, as off pointed out when he walks into bars!.

  2. By the gods! Breaking news indeed.
    In fact, such fantasy news is better than the BBC - at least, it's certainly more believable.