Saturday, 21 April 2018

Olde Albilande welcomes you.....

             YE OLDE ALBILANDE; A VISITORS GUIDE             

  A warm welcome traveler to the wonders of Olde Albilande, where dreams really do come true*.
be it the beautiful landscape

or are friendly locals

or the local cuisine

 The purpose of this leaflet is to help familiarize you, the visitor with the places to visit and activities available to you during your stay across the highways and of course byways of this green and sometimes even pleasant land.

  First some history. Olde Albilande was established by a combination of Francenlande, Douchmarken and Russavacian invaders who all landed on these lush shores over three hundred years ago. At first they were content to kick the living poo out of each other and the indigenous savages they found here (you may know those savages today as Lamavicians, who the invaders chased off to their own belt of isles to the north of Olde Albilande, where they remain to this day being as smelly and unrefined as ever). The invaders each claimed sections of the land for their own and for a while an uneasy peace held sway. Of course as we all know each of the groups of invaders abandoned the land out of sheer boredom, leaving behind a few of the stubborn, sick or lack-witted  from each party that missed the boats as the settlers returned from whence they came. These people form the ancestors of the population of Albilande today.

  But enough of the past, what wonders are here for you today?.

  As you may be aware the land is divided  into four counties, each as different from each other as chalk and dairy waste products. Lets take a closer look at each:


Located in the south is Royal Crivenshire, so called because it is the seat of the royal family of Albilande. The residence of the king being Crivens Castle in Royal Cravensaly. The shire is noted for its fantastically windy coastline and vibrant trading towns such as the always busy Spillage and Hampage-on-fosse, these walled river towns are home to many refined folks due to the traders guild making their home in each settlement to take advantage of the fine transport links and easy commute to the capital. If its shopping and commerce you want, Royal Crivenshire is the destination for you!


With the coast to the west the western most shire is the home to fine sunshine (6 days a year) and the busy port towns of Cheebsdale (the seat of the Earl of Offenhammeshire) and Allen-on-quey which are thriving hubs of trade and high fashion. It is said that the finery of the rich of these towns puts even the royal court to shame. This county is well known for its imported goods, it is said you can buy almost anything there if you dont ask too many questions!. The shire is also noted for the northern marsh settlement of Holenhamme, better known as 'little Lamavic' where the earl permits Lamavician exiles to live and work in the peat bogs in the area, i'm sure you will agree its a great humanitarian gesture. This area is also open to tourists, so if its hooch and casual violence your after this is a day trip no to be missed!.


If its more rugged scenery your after you could do worse than a trip to Fossestershire. Split east and west by the Crippled Jaw mountains and home to the dark pine forests of the northern fenns this is a haven for wildlife (most of which may attempt to kill and devour you). The people of Fossestershire mirror the terrain but are friendly in their own way. The land is home to many walled city states that due to the lay of the land function with a large degree of autonomy. Cities like Obbleholmme (the Earls seat) and Bouldenhamme supply the quaint northern settlements surrounding them. Also of note is the hill town of Holy Dawkinsholme, which contains more shrines and pilgrimage destinations than any other settlement in the known world!.


The gateway to the east, Burkenshire, also known as 'the wet shire,' has had rain for a record 122,000000 consecutive days!. Legend has it that it was cursed by a witch who was sick of locals making fun of her impressive wart collection. Today it is known for being the countries largest producer of quality mud and of course the famous Drizzlemere cabbage, produced only in the town of the same name.

Those of you that want to get back to nature may wish to visit the vast and mysterious phlippinooge forest that runs through the center of Albilande. Its home to fine camp sites and hidden rivers and some of the most stunning scenery the land has to offer as well as providing roads linking the shires. It is worth noting that you will need a permit to travel and stay within the forest boundaries that can be obtained from the closest nymph office, failing to do so may lead to being squashed to death by angry Dryads.

  So thats just a small selection of what this fantastic land has to offer (we have not touched on the famous sausages of Offal or the steel smiths of Ikky for example). All of us at the Olde Albilande tourist board wish you a fine stay free from cutpurses, bandits and mobs of that last sentence.

* if you happen to be rich or of noble birth.

Taken from th Olde Albilande tourist board leaflet: 'How to best avoid a stabbing or other forms of painful death in Albilande', first produced in 1343. This surviving copy donated kindly by Geoff Cribbadge, son of the noted mock-historian sir Norman Cribbadge jnr.