Sunday, 6 May 2018

On Lions, Ferrets and the outbreak of war

The following is quoted with kind permission directly from Dr Quentin Templeton-Smidglys' seminal study on the war of the four kings entitled 'A study into the war of 1354, what the f*$k was that about then?'. In chapter four of this learned tome Dr Templeton-Smidgly details the letters, notes and decrees, both official and unofficial recorded and recovered from records of the Estates of the Earls of the Shires. It gives a full and detailed view of the events that lead directly to the conflict that almost drove Olde Albilande to its knees.


 Following the decree under Wazcockes law given by Glinric Pallenbrooke, 26th Earl of Crivinshire on the 27th of Meatember edition of 'Todays happenings today', Crivenshires best (and only) topical community events telecast, the reaction was swift. A public declaration from Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, 19th Earl of  Fossestershire was issued that read as follows:

  'the young Earl of Crivenshire seems to have made an error of judgement. It is plain to all that you cannot simply declare yourself king, in the interim or otherwise. This err can be forgiven due to the large amount of stress we are all under at present and the grief we are all feeling. I am sure that the young man will come to his senses in no time and we can allow him to forget his childish notion. Besides, if we were to have a king in the interim it would need to be a man of knowledge and experience such as myself not some wet babe fresh off the tit.'

 The first to respond to this was Alben 'the gov'nr' Alfenshe, 23rd Earl of Offenhamshire who sent this personal message to Cobbenhamme:

  'Your 'avin' a flippin' larf ant 'ya' granpa?, you, a fit king, do me a favour!. Gorden bennit we need a fella that at least is gonna make it to the election without kickin' the bleedin' bucket!.

 Its worth noting this letter was sent in a chamber pot, also containing a pair of fur lined slippers and a tartan blanket. To Pallenbrooke he sent:

  'Cor wat are you like?, you cant jus' go around namin' yourself king, you need plannin' and thinkin'. For what its worth i reckon you would be a better bet than that old pissy britches up north but you got to start usin' your 'ed. By the way, you still on for this ship full a' Francenlande brandy?, yours for 'alf a chaffinch as were mates an all'.

  The response from Fossestershire was fast:

  'Sod off you curr, if you ever send such letters to my estate again you will see that this old man still has arms enough to deal with the likes of you you grubby little spiv. Just remember i hung your Grandfather for the fence and racketeer he was and when that royal investigation into your taxes is finished i will personally see you suffer the same at my own two hands'.

The earl of Fossestershire also released a public statement as follows:

'I, Osewrenne Cobbenhamme, 19th Earl of  Fossestershire do decree that i name myself king for the period until such a time that a new king is elected in line with wazzcockes law. I feel as the most experienced and long serving Earl it is my duty before the gods to accept this task to ensure the country keeps on progressing during this difficult time.'

  Before sending his own answer to this aggressive act the Earl of Crivenshire sent a private note to
  Alben 'the gov'nr' Alfenshe which has just been unearthed which sheds some new light on the relationship between the two:

 'I trust after your last statement i can rely on your support in whatever actions may come?, it may transpire that a report of a financial nature may not be finished after all if your help can be assured. I would ask you to declare your support publicly if this is the case.  As far as the brandy goes please send a sample and then deal direct with my 'head scribe'. Mums the word'.

  He then issued a statement to the Earl of Fossestershire:

  'The statement given by the honorable Earl of Fossestershire is not accepted by Royal Crivenshire nor recognized by our allies. You are being given five days to retract the declaration and offer a recognition of the interim rulership of  king Glinric Pallenbrooke until such a time as a true king can be declared. If you fail to do so you will be named an enemy of the crown and such actions as deemed appropriate will be taken to remove you from your seat.

 While this exchange was happening the 25th Earl of Burkenshire Ribbille Ribbensholme pitched in to the debate, sending an open letter to each earl.

  'During this time it seems to be a backwards step for us to be bickering among ourselves. This time should be used to govern together and join as one mind to further the fortune of every Albilander not just to furnish our own ambition. We can make a difference to each and every serf and smallholder, smith and cooper to make the people of this nation strong once more.

  and mum says if you all get to be king i should have a turn.

 This letter was roundly ignored by the other three earls. Before the Earl of Offenhamshire could declare his alliance with Crivenshire he had time to send a private note to Cobbenhamme, thus:

  'Ere, mate, i know we ant on the best terms but i want you to know that i think you may be the right bloke to sit on the fancy chair while we decide on the next king. I may be makin' a statement soon but pay it no heed, no word of a lie if the arras start flyin' it wont be Offenhameshire that will be firin' 'em your way.

 Its not known if the last known letters sent before the outbreak of hostilities were sent before or after the Earl of Fossestershire took receipt of this note but he sent two last notes, one to his trusted general Sir Phillibridge Physs which read as follows:


 To Pallenbrooke he sent a two line note which simply stated:

 'to the false king of the south, i retract nothing.
 Prepare thyself'.

  Just two days after these notes Sir Physs crossed the border into Crivenshire with an army at his back sparking the first battle of a protracted campaign. The battle of Phlemm Valley, where the advanced guard of Physs' column were met by the combined patrols of sir Crowesfell and Sir Finnagree the clenched. A full study into the battle can be found in the next chapter: 'A spillage at Phlemm'.

 Well i'm sure you agree we owe a debt of thanks to Dr Templeton-Smidgly for allowing the inclusion of his most detailed works on these humble pages. I for one cant wait to find out what actually happened on that hallowed ground of the Valley of Phlemm.

But that will have to wait........'till next time.......

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